Thanksgiving is a holiday for gratitude, for giving thanks. Yet many people are dreading it. This year, it feels especially hard to be thankful with so much change and uncertainty in the air.
In every season and in each moment, we can chose to focus more on our achievements or our difficulties. We can obsess about what went wrong or what we didn’t get, or we can be thankful for what we have even if it’s not perfect. Yet, we all fall into the trap of negativity which leads to increased anxiety and depression especially at the holidays. Studies show that gratitude is good for us, both physically and emotionally, but those feelings aren’t always accessible. Sometimes we are in a funk. Thanksgiving seems like a good time to think about what’s so hard about feeling positive and grateful.
When I started as a therapist, I rarely spoke about gratitude. Patients came with problems and we talked about them. I treated anxiety and depression as symptoms of underlying and unresolved conflicts. We analyzed how these conflicts developed and by reconstructing and understanding them deeply, tried to resolve them. Some people got better and some didn’t.
Recently, I found myself thinking about gratitude and how to incorporate it into my practice. It occurred to me that some patients couldn’t let go of their resentments and complaints. They could not take comfort in what they had achieved. They held onto bitterness, regret and disappointment even though they had much to be thankful for. They felt stuck and unhappy.
When I introduced the idea of gratitude into my thinking, I made another discovery. Gratitude is easier said than done. There are psychological impediments to looking at the bright side of life and appreciating what we have. We have a tendency to focus on our deficiencies and disappointments. Since Thanksgiving is upon us, I want to share what I discovered about the way gratitude can remain elusive for many people.
1. You’re still angry. No one gets everything they need from their parents. We all have to accept that we were short-changed, some of us more than others. Coming to terms with these deficiencies is the first step to well-being and finding space in your heart for gratitude for what you did receive or were able to achieve independently as an adult.
2. You’re harboring guilt. Guilt is a powerful emotion that originates in a feeling that you did something wrong or benefited from something you were not entitled to. Guilt is an impediment to happiness and makes it hard to feel gratitude, especially if underneath you feel you have something you did not deserve or your good fortune came at the expense of others. Some people feel guilty if they succeed while other people they love have struggled.
3. You identify with your anxiety. For some people anxiety becomes part of their identity, and a way they differentiate themselves or it may serve as emotional armor. Secondary gains can be powerful. You might be attached to these feelings even though they cause pain and isolation. If you gave up your anxiety, how would it change the way you see yourself and your relationships? Are you holding onto these negative emotions as a defense against other feelings that make you feel even more vulnerable?
4. You have a severe inner critic. Personality develops by balancing our needs and desire for pleasure, with a conscience or inner voice that guides our behavior. If your conscience is overly crucial or judgmental, it impedes your ability to feel pleasure, joy or gratitude. Since gratitude confers positive feelings, a severe inner scold may stand in the way of your experiencing good feelings even if they are earned and well-deserved.
5. You are a perfectionist. Perfectionists are rarely happy with themselves or satisfied with their achievements. They demand perfection and focus on their mistakes, disappointments or failures instead of their achievements. Gratitude is being thankful for what you have achieved instead of focusing on your mistakes. Perfectionists have difficulty feeling gratitude because they are too hard on themselves and deny themselves the pleasure of their achievements.
At Thanksgiving, we are asked to feel grateful and give thanks for what we have even if it’s not exactly what we wanted or hoped for. If you are having difficulty this time of year, think about what is standing in your way. Don’t feel guilty or punish yourself if you’re not feeling thankful. Give yourself permission to explore what’s underneath these feelings. We may not be hard-wired for positive feelings, but since feelings of gratitude are good for our health and well-being, it’s a good practice to cultivate.