My home state of Texas has given so much to me — margaritas, Willie Nelson, and a college education, in order of importance — and asked for so little in return. Sure, I pay my taxes, and mouth the words to "Texas, Our Texas" at sporting events, but I've never really given back to the state that made me what I am (bitter and disillusioned — being a liberal in Texas is like being a Cubs fan). That's why I've decided to found PROJECT TEXILE. We're going to make sure that the whole world knows that despite the anti-gay marriage vote here earlier this month, the Lone Star State is a great place for gay men and women to get married. After all, it's legal here — kind of. Just ask Jessica and Robin Wicks.
See, Jessica and Robin were married in San Antonio, Texas, in September of 2000. Jessica and Robin are both women, and their marriage was perfectly legal under Texas law. Why? According to an unbelievably stupid Texas court ruling, a person's gender is determined at birth, and it can never be changed. If your birth certificate says "male," that's what you are, even if you live your life as a woman. Jessica Wicks is a woman who happened to be born a man. So the state had no choice but to recognize her marriage to another woman, Robin Wicks. The religious right feigned indifference at the whole affair. State Rep. Warren Chisum, a legendary homophobe, sniffed to the AP: "Virtually what we have is a man that looks like a woman that's getting married to another woman, and clearly that's within the law . . . I don't think it happens very often . . . You can't make laws to cover every little detail."
He's right, of course. It doesn't happen very often. But it should. And that's where PROJECT TEXILE comes in. We need to encourage every single gay couple in which the partners were born different genders to come to Texas and get married. San Antonio's a great town to get married in — the Riverwalk, the Mission Trail, cheap margaritas. I'm envisioning a big mass wedding of gay and lesbian couples, with announcements sent to every Republican officeholder, every anti-gay propagandist, every church that unlawfully electioneered on behalf of Proposition 2. Let's see them explain to the state's conservative voters why some gay marriage is — and has been for quite some time — absolutely, perfectly legal in Texas.
There are, admittedly, some problems with my plan. First: the name. PROJECT TEXILE doesn't really make sense. But I like the way it sounds, so we'll stick with it until something better comes along.
The second problem: there are probably not many couples like the Wicks in America. And even if we could find a few dozen of them, they're probably perfectly happy in western Massachusetts. But there have to be a few couples who'd be willing to make the flight down here to piss off the Bush family and all of their homophobic supporters.
The third problem is that I am lazy, and probably shouldn't be trusted to organize this thing. I can barely remember to pay my electric bill. Oh, crap! The electric bill! I'll be right back.
At any rate, I think this is too good an idea to pass up. Think of the envy you could inspire when you tell your friends you married your same-sex partner in the great state of Texas! Well, envy or utter confusion. It's all good. The point is, we need to get PROJECT TEXILE off the ground. And by "we," I mean "someone else." All I want is an invitation and an open bar. God bless the institution of marriage, God bless the Wicks family and God bless Texas.