Has your confidence been destroyed by a confidence crusher? Unfortunately, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I've been there too and it's never a nice feeling.
Over the years, it's become easier and easier to spot a confidence crusher. It could be someone you've only just met or someone you've known for a long time, either personally or professionally.
However they come into your life, confidence crushers will leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Your confidence falls first, followed by your self-esteem and self-worth or even your dignity and pride.
There are two types of confidence crushers. Those who know they are doing it and those who don't.
Of those who intentionally crush your confidence, they'll generally do it in one of two ways (or both!): With a single action or comment that leaves you shattered. Or they may opt for a slower more painful death to your confidence and just chip away at it over time. Sarcastic little comments, for example and a general lack of interest and support for what you are doing.
I've witnessed all types of confidence crushers go to work on others. Unfortunately, I've also been on the receiving end of all types when it has happened to me.
It's never a nice experience and if you're reading this then I'm guessing you've been the victim of confidence crushing too.
Personally and professionally my confidence has taken a hit, both online and offline. Constructive criticism is always welcome but there's nothing constructive about making someone feel like rubbish.
One of the good things to come from uncomfortable experiences is that it helped me build up resilience and key coping strategies that I hope can help you too.
Here are 5 ways you can completely avoid (or lessen the impact of) toxic confidence crushers.
1. MAKE THEM AWARE
Sometimes a confidence crusher needs to be made aware of their actions. This can achieve one of two things. If they aren't aware what they're doing and how it makes you feel, speaking up will hopefully prevent it from happening again.
On the other hand, experienced confidence crushers are well aware of what they are doing and how it makes you feel. Basically, they need to be put in their place. This might take a little more courage on your part but just like in strategy 3 (below), don't give them the satisfaction they'll get from crushing your confidence.
2. REMEMBER THAT IT COULD WELL BE THEIR PROBLEM
Often an attack on your confidence is actually a reflection of that person's own insecurity. Let's say, for example, you have a huge career win. You're so excited but when you tell someone they just shrug and change the subject. At that point, they're blinded to your achievement by their own insecurities. They may be questioning their own career success and doubt their own abilities.
This isn't justification for their actions and they certainly don't need your sympathy. It's both selfish and childish. But the sooner you can see their lack of support for what it really is (their own insecurity coming through), the sooner you can also brush off their response and restore your confidence.
3. IGNORE IT
A seasoned confidence crusher will get a real kick out of watching you crumble. For some insanely messed-up reason, this gives them the attention they crave and helps them validate their self-worth. Yes, I know it sounds crazy but unfortunately people like this do exist. The trick is, not to play their game and give them the attention and self-satisfaction that they're seeking.
4. TELL SOMEONE
This is the opposite of ignoring it because there are some situations that just shouldn't be ignored. Telling someone or reporting it doesn't just mean running to the nearest Police station and lodging a formal complaint every time your confidence takes a tumble. You could have a quiet word with a colleague (for example) or chat about it with a friend. Another perspective may also help you to see the situation for what it really is.
5. DISCONNECT
I usually advocate for the importance of connection. But if someone is repeatedly crushing your confidence and you've tried the above strategies, it might be time to disconnect. This is much easier online because you just click Unfriend or Unfollow. But in the real world, it's not that simple.
Consider some of the ways you can physically or mentally disassociate and disconnect from confidence crushers. Avoiding the situation or person might not work for everything nut there can be a place for this type of approach.
Confidence is one of those things in life that we do have control over. Yet unfortunately, we have no control over the self-indulgent and egotistical ways of a confidence crusher. Time has been a wonderful teacher for me and I hope these strategies can also help you.
If you'd like a few suggestions on how to achieve longer lasting confidence, here is another piece I wrote for The Huffington Post.
Once you've got the confidence crushers under control it's important to build (and rebuild) sustainable confidence that doesn't just rely on all of the external or materialistic additions.
How do you stop confidence crushers?