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What are the specific boundaries you've set that you can't cross for anyone? originally appeared on Quora - the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world.
Answer by Dushka Zapata, on Quora:
I do not love you unconditionally and will not be there for you "no matter what".
You earn every day the people who stand by you and if you abuse or disrespect me you will lose me.
I make my own decisions (concerning my own life) and do not need to explain myself. If this bothers you, angers you or gives you reason to judge me, your feelings of discomfort are not mine to resolve.
Refraining from a nearly unbearable urge to constantly justify myself is so, so hard. People who are important to me often want me to do what they want and not what I want. It’s painful that this has cost me relationships. But, tell me. Why would I want someone in my life who believes they have this kind of authority over my sacred sovereignty, the right to cross a line I have so clearly drawn?
I value my privacy. I am pretty open about my computer, my phone and my things but I see no reason why anyone would go through them without my expressed permission. If you did I would assume you don't trust me, and if we don't have trust we don't have much.
My body is mine. Sometimes I want to be touched and sometimes I don't.
I need time alone and I need silence. Noise affects me deeply. I will seek both of these things every day. This will often imply me sacrificing time with people that I love.
If you deliberately hurt me, cause me pain or diminish me with your actions or with your words, I will shut you out. Fighting fair is a requirement, and toxic people (“frenemies”, people who deliver backhanded compliments, people who for reasons I cannot explain drain me or leave me confused and doubting myself) have no place in my life even if they are dear to me. Even if they are family.
My outlines - where I end and someone else begins - are clear to me. I am not "we". I am just "me." I work hard to not cast blame and am not comfortable being blamed for anything that does not directly pertain to me. I can't "make you happy". I cannot "make you miserable". I don’t have what you need.
Saying "no" is hard for me (and getting oh so much easier as I get older.) Don't push against it. Don't mess with it. Leave my "no" alone.
Resentment is a symptom that somewhere, somehow I have compromised myself. I realize I'm not angry at you but at me, and I will use some of my quiet alone time to re-evaluate what happened so I can do better next time.
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