God I was a shitty friend. Were you one of them? If so, I’ve probably apologized to you but I was such an unforgivable sort; I don’t blame you for not taking me back.
I have no excuse. I just was. Jacked up on meds, I also drank with those pills. On some level, I was completely insane. I wasn’t rational. I didn’t make the right decisions and in so doing, I was negligent and didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved.
We probably had a bad break-up. Messy? I wrote you emails, saying I was sorry. Was I? How could I have been? It wasn’t until these past few months that I kicked the most damaging medications, and cut out the alcohol. I am now the person I should have been to you. I have become the woman who is a great friend. Yet, I only have a few. There were the lone standouts whom visited me in the psychiatric ward. They stayed with me for decades because their love for me was boundless. I don’t know why they are here. God put them in my life, or the soul from the spirit of my deceased mother pushed them on. They heard her begging you, “Stay with her, please! She’ll become that woman, just not today.” And so they remained with me through the carnage that was my life.
But today is here and I’m a good person. I’m loving and compassionate. I’m no longer the shit that I used to be. I care. Deeply. And as I move along, I’m looking for more allies. I love the sense of newness in my life. I want to come to know you and understand all of you. It used to be I would never meet anyone for coffee or brunch. I had my restrictions. I preferred my sleep over you. I loved two pillows squishing my head, suffocating the life out of me as I grew older. Today, I’m there. I’ll drink that coffee even if it’s decaf, and I’ll have an egg white omelet at high noon on a Sunday.
Where are you though? Where are these new souls who did not get wiped out in the tidal wave of my past? I’m trying to find you and someday I will with all of my heart attached and in check, no longer the restless, soulless person I once pretended was real. How could it have been? I wasn’t present. But I’m showing up now. I’m here for the darkness of your life. I’m here for you if you’re sick, and even cheer you on when you’re happy. I’m that friend who prays for you nightly because I so appreciate your presence in my life. Whether you are part of the old brigade, or new, I hope I am enlightening person in your life. I hope you can feel my affection for you and my respect. I’m going to love you like I’m going to lose you. I have no intention of ever losing you now.
This is time for me to shower any of you with love who want to travel along with me on my journey. I’m not here to apologize again to the fallen. I’m here to move forward and steadfast in the footsteps I take now.