Autopilot. We are all guilty of letting ourselves go into that space where day to day routines take precedence. We are by nature creatures of habit and there are studies that show people can be checked out mentally nearly 50% of the time. Not surprisingly, we are happiest when we are actively checked in, doing things that require our full focus and attention. There is a biological need for our brain to check out so it can rest, regroup and reset. Some, like author and researcher Andrew Smart who co-authored the book Auto-Pilot: The Art and Science of Doing Nothing, have even argued that in today’s hyper-efficient always-on culture we need more, not less of this dead time. Whether one has balance between checking in and checking out though is irrelevant if you’ve yet to find your true purpose or calling. Purpose not only gives our life meaning, it also fuels and channels our passion, creating more moments where we feel awake, alive, and alert. And even though there are a lot of people doing a lot of things, all the time, I see too few of them actually pursuing something they are deeply passionate about. Especially the A-types of which I was once guilty of myself. We spend so much time doing what we’re supposed to do, that we rarely stop to discover and then pursue what we’re meant to do. What makes us feel alive.
“What we know matters but who we are matters more.” ― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
I started thinking about this notion of autopilot this past week as I rediscovered and re-read Brene Brown’s groundbreaking book Rising Strong. Originally published in August of 2015, the work has been nominated for numerous awards and builds off of Brene’s other notable book Daring Greatly and the themes Brown explores in her Ted Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, which has been viewed over 29 million times. Brene is a qualitative research rock star and storyteller who is known for her no bulls**t approach to explaining complicated issues; breaking down and unpacking the root causes of fear, shame and what prevents us from connecting with others. Connection, she argues, is what ultimately gives us meaning and purpose in life. After studying these issues for over a decade, she found that those who had a deep sense of worthiness — those who believe they are worthy of love and belonging, combined with the qualities of courage and compassion — were the ones who had the highest levels of connection and feelings of purpose, meaning in life. These are also people who she found have the highest levels of resilience in the face of adversity and who view vulnerability as something that is not only necessary, but beautiful. Viewing vulnerability in a positive way, as instructive and a necessary part of life, not only allows us to be seen as we really are but also is as Brown argues, is the gateway to joy, creativity, belonging and love. I would also argue that vulnerability as a practice — allowing ourselves to be seen for who we truly are — is in short supply these days as it is messy, unpredictable and has no guarantees. It’s much easier to project perfection and mask areas of our lives that are uncertain or as Brown calls, ‘selectively numbing our emotions’.
Why does any of this matter? Well, if you want to have a meaningful career and personal life, you need to find a way to connect, build, and maintain relationships with others in person, one-on-one. And forget ‘safe spaces’. Those don’t exist in the real world. You need to learn to become comfortable with the uncomfortable in order to build resiliency which is an essential life skill that I see too few in the current workforce possessing. And if you want to lead and inspire others to follow you, there is nothing more universally attractive than someone who knows their purpose and pursues it fearlessly. All of which brings me back to Brene, the tools she shares in her work and the one essential question that I think we should all ask ourselves over and over again. If building emotional resiliency is something you know you need to work on read her Rising Strong book, it will give you much food for thought and a road map for next steps. Additionally, I think all of us can benefit from checking in every now and then and asking ourselves this one essential question over and over again....
The Essential Question to Ask Yourself Over and Over Again...
When do I feel most alive?
You know when you feel most alive. It’s a natural high where time is irrelevant, your energy levels are off the charts and you are propelled by an unstoppable internal force. When we’re young this is a constant driving force. And then somewhere between college and mid career, we often lose sight of this for the attainment of what others value or determine as success. What I’ve tried to do routinely is ask myself this question every now and then as a gauge to make sure that professionally I am working on efforts that I find meaningful and aligned with my driving purpose. Personally and professionally, I use this question to better evaluate how, where and with whom I spend my limited time. I actively surround myself with others who know their worth, aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and who are pursuing their passions. There is nothing more depleting or soul-sucking than spending time with someone who is always on auto-pilot. So just stop. Stop always doing what you’re supposed to do and start doing what you were meant to do. Do more of what makes you feel most alive.