The Texas Governor Will Believe Anything You Tell Him


Right now Greg Abbott, the current governor of Texas, is doing everything he can to stop Syrian refugees from being settled in Texas. This is because someone told him desperate families fleeing IS are something to be fear. Unfortunately, the governor will literally believe anything you tell him. No seriously. Every morning, staffers need to stop him from sharing that status on Facebook about how they can't steal his pictures for nefarious uses. He wraps his wallet in aluminum foil and avoids black cats, and that's not all:

3. He's scared of mental health workers because Scientologists told him they were scary.

Senate Bill 359 was meant to save lives, giving doctors the power to hold someone who may be a danger to themselves or others for up to four hours. The bill was supported by both parties, passed the Senate and House and was backed by the Texas Medical Association, law enforcement, and medical professionals. Then Greg Abbott vetoed it after being urged to do so by a Scientology-backed organization that believes psychiatry is evil. No, really. Here's a link to an article from a real newspaper about it.
I bet he also believes jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

2. He's scared our military was going to take over the state because crazy people told him so.

Governor Abbott loves our troops. No, sorry, I mean, he FEARS our troops. This summer, the military held a joint training exercise in the state of Texas known as Jade Helm 15. Quickly, conspiracy theorists said this was stage one for a takeover of Texas by the likes of Obama, IS, and Mexico. In response to these absurd rumors Gov. Abbott...ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor our own military to make sure they didn't try any funny stuff.
No word on his anti-illuminati legislation yet.

1. He thinks Planned Parenthood harvest fetuses because a video told him so.

You know that video? The video that showed Planned Parenthood employees discussing the sale of aborted fetuses? The same one that was thoroughly discredited and shown to be deceptively edited? Greg Abbott still believes it: "The gruesome harvesting of baby body parts by Planned Parenthood will not be allowed in Texas and the barbaric practice must be brought to an end. As such, ending the Medicaid participation of Planned Parenthood affiliates in the State of Texas is another step in providing greater access to safe healthcare for women..." Because nothing protects women like denying them access to essential healthcare services such as cancer screenings, pap smears, HIV tests, and birth control. Birth control, as you know, being the thing that could actually prevent abortions in the first place.
I also heard someone recently showed him that alien autopsy video from the 90s. Blew. His. Mind.