Are you searching for Mr. Right? Do you have a strategy? Well, you need one. "Instead of viewing yourself as a hunter bounding toward the man of your dreams, shift your point of view and think of yourself as a magnet pulling him to you," suggests Dr. Phil, who wrote the best-selling book Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got.
Try these 12 tips for landing your man:
1. Leave the house.
"The one" isn't going to come knocking on your door or appear on your couch. You have to get in the game and put yourself out there. Make an effort to see and be seen by as many qualified new guys as possible. "Dating is a numbers game," Dr. Phil says. "The more men you meet, the more likely you will find your special someone."
2. Visit target-rich environments.
After you’ve done some soul-searching to figure out what kind of guy you’re looking for, think about where this type of guy would hang out. That’s now a target-rich environment for you, so it’s where you need to be. Depending on who your Mr. Right is, you might frequent church, temple, batting cages, sporting events, music festivals, art galleries, parks, philanthropic events, bookstores, coffee shops or hardware stores.
3. Get out of your comfort zone.
Vary the places you go to meet men so you can see new faces. "By now you should realize that your ordinary hangout isn't the place to meet extraordinary men," says Dr. Phil. Explore your passions and let these things become your social life. "Go to places you'd enjoy even if you weren't looking for the love of your life,” he explains. That way, you will meet someone who has something in common with you. "As long as you're really into what you're doing, you're going to give off a cool, passionate vibe that makes you seem like the catch of the day.”
4. Mix up the people you go out with.
Don't always hang out with a pack of girlfriends — but for safety reasons, never go out alone either. "Guys are less likely to come over if they feel they've got an audience," Dr. Phil explains. "They don't want to get rejected in front of four or five staring women." Plus, if you are with a lot of friends, it's too easy not to meet new people. He also suggests varying the people you go out with. "Often, different people bring out different aspects of our personalities," Dr. Phil shares. Plus, going out with only married friends or guy friends could make it seem like you are taken or don't want to be approached.
5. Have a strategy for meeting men at these new places.
Being prepared will ensure that you are not flustered when you see a man you want to approach. "If you know what to reveal about yourself or how to start the conversation, you'll come off confident and self-assured," Dr. Phil suggests. You won't have to think of a plan while under pressure.
6. Learn about your audience.
Try to find out what the people you are going to be around are interested in. If you know that they are into something specific, you can brush up on some basics about that topic. You will then have something to talk about with them — comments to offer and questions to ask. "This isn't being fake. It's just a way to jump-start a conversation or feel comfortable taking part in one," Dr. Phil says.
7. Be prepared with your opening questions.
Usually the hardest part of meeting someone new is getting the conversation rolling. "One of the most important things I can tell you is that people truly love to be the focus of attention," Dr. Phil says. Come up with five to 10 questions to ask a man, and give him the attention he wants. It's important to listen to the answers when he is talking and ask follow-up questions. If you have these questions ready before you meet him, you won't feel pressure to think of a conversation topic, so you'll feel more confident and relaxed.
- Do you love what you do for a living, or work to pay the bills?
- What's your favorite book?
- What do you like to do in your free time?
- What's the best vacation you've ever been on?
- If you were stranded on a deserted island, and you could have only three of your most prized possessions with you (and sunscreen), what or who would you have?
- If you could plan a dinner party, who (alive or dead) would you invite?
- If you could keep only one of your five senses, which one would it be and why?
- If you won10 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money?
8. Use your star power.
"The more generous you are about making other people feel like stars, the more star quality you yourself will possess," Dr. Phil says. Making people feel special is as easy as asking questions and really listening to the answers. "If everyone else in the room is saying, 'Me, me, me,' and you're saying, 'You, you, you,' you're the one who's going to get noticed."
9. Know your sound bite.
Create a sound bite — an exciting description of yourself, focusing on your strongest attributes, using 20 words or less. Be prepared with a list of four or five things that you think people should know about you. Be positive and upbeat. Talking about things with pride, passion and optimism will draw others toward you.
10. Come up with your fillers.
Define four or five things you can talk about with anyone, at any time. Be comfortable with the topics, and know them inside and out. "These can be saviors when you don't know what to say or when you hit a lull in conversation," Dr. Phil says. Some ideas of fillers are your hobbies, current events or vacation spots. Also, stay current on the latest news. Not only does this help you look intelligent because you’re up to speed on breaking news, but it will give you quick and current conversation starters. Since most people will know something about these topics, it becomes an instant connection.
11. Act the part.
"What you say is only a portion of what attracts people to you," Dr. Phil explains. "The other part is all the nonverbal actions and mannerisms that speak volumes." To be successful in dating, you must exude confidence in everything from your internal dialogue (the thoughts or things you tell yourself) to the clothes you wear, body language, eye contact, etc. No matter how confidently you're chatting away, if your body language says you're insecure, that's how you'll be perceived." Try not to twirl your hair or fidget, and don't stand too close or too far away from him. Make sure your body language is consistent with the image you want to present. "Men fall in love with their eyes, so looking your best is a must," Dr. Phil adds. But don't wear anything that you aren't comfortable in.
Another important factor to consider is your placement in a room. You don't want to be huddled in a corner, but rather, try being in a heavily trafficked area where you will come in contact with many people.
12. Immerse yourself in conversation.
Stay focused and engaged by making eye contact. "There is something very disarming about a woman who will look you in the eye, hold a handshake a little longer, touch your arm to underscore a point she's making, or use your name midway through the conversation," Dr. Phil says. "If the man you're talking to feels accepted and liked by you, he is much more apt to like you in return." Realize that your voice and speech also have an effect. Speak clearly and do not be afraid to express enthusiasm, disappointment, joy or any appropriate emotion in your tone. This will make the person you’re speaking to feel that he’s really getting to know the real you.
To read an excerpt from Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got, click here.
