1. Beware of perfect morning hair. You can’t have uninhibited sex if you’re worried about messing up your hair (Robby). A aerosol-sprayed, rock-solid coif in the early A.M. after a night of supposed boot-knocking betrays a depth of vanity that rivals Donald Drumpf’s. Intimacy includes being and looking vulnerable: messy hair, no makeup, the rare sweat-pant ensemble. How will you ever get through the unglamorous moments of the occasional hangover, childbirth, a dual case of Montezuma’s Revenge after some poor choices at a roadside diner, or a particularly bad windstorm together if you can’t have a hair out of place?
2. Self-imposed impediments to sex can be hot. Jordan and JoJo being unable to makeout in the sacred space of the cave temple in Thailand only increased their sexual tension. In fact, almost the entire season any Bachelor or Bachelorette is an exercise in sexual teasing: the constant presence of cameras almost always ensures that sexual consummation cannot take place until the fantasy suites when the mics finally get turned off. People in relationships, especially long-term ones, would do well to remember the eroticism of denial. For example, start hot and heavy makeout sessions that cannot be immediately, shall we say, resolved until later.
3. If you’re unsure, then it’s probably not love. On their pre-fantasy suite date, JoJo basically asked Jordan “How do I know it’s true love?” But if she has to ask, then she should realize something’s not right. She’s been fighting her gut instinct this entire season because she wants Jordan’s perfect hair, his perfect abs, his perfect family home, his (almost) perfect family. But deep down she knows he’s imperfect (and that imperfection is the fact that he will never follow through with marrying her, even if he gets down on one knee next week). When in doubt, go with your gut.
4. Don’t put too much stock in “I love you.” Last week we encouraged people falling hard in relationships to express themselves: Don’t hold back lest you lose someone you really care about, like Luke did. That said, don’t rely too heavily on mere words. Actions can and often do speak louder. While Jordan says all the right things, everyone could see that Luke acted more sincerely (why oh why didn’t she keep him long enough to consummate their ridiculous sexual chemistry in the fantasy suite?!?). And JoJo should have known before Chase said those three little words how she felt (and thus could have spared him the indignity of getting kicked out of the fantasy suite before the cameras had even left). You should not expect “I love you” to magically transform your feelings instantly. Does your partner act lovingly? Do you feel love for them in return? It’s like the classic cheesy 80s love song “More Than Words”: “More than words is all you have to do to make it real / Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me / ‘Cause I’d already know.” (Admittedly, the harmony makes those lines sound more impressive on the radio than they do on the page.)
5. Take the high road during a breakup, even if it’s after the fact. Breakups are hard. Especially when they happen right after you’ve mustered up the courage to expose your most vulnerable feelings on national television. How can we blame Chase for harshly questioning JoJo’s actions? And for giving us one of the best sarcastic lines in Bachelorette history (upon entering the exit van while cracking a beer, “Oh, is this my fantasy suite?”)? He metaphorically got kicked in the balls and crassly admitted that much in his exit interview. It wasn’t pretty, but it was understandable. Which makes his re-do the next morning at the rose ceremony, where he gave JoJo a proper goodbye with dignity and respect, so impressive. It was a total class act that made him the most attractive he’s been all season.