Trump Chooses Loyalist For Secretary Of State

President-elect Donald J. Trump appointed still another campaign loyalist to his cabinet, announcing that Lucifer was his choice of as Secretary of State.

While Jeff Sessions, Mike Pompeo, Michael Flynn and Stephen Bannon have strayed from conventional Republican thinking, and have been shunned at times for their strident and controversial statements, Lucifer represents traditional Republican values and policies. He is expected to be a moderating influence in the Trump administration.

Lucifer had been one of Trump’s earliest and strongest supporters and reportedly tempted Trump to run for president. Before Trump became a candidate, Lucifer said, “When you look at Trump, you see Greed, Lust, Anger, Envy, Pride, Vanity and Gluttony. What’s not to like?”

Like Trump, Lucifer is a climate change denier, frequently proclaiming, “It doesn’t feel hot to me.” In appointing him, Trump said Lucifer “is an iconic American brand almost as trusted and revered as the Trump brand and the Ivanka brand.”

Citing Lucifer’s intimate relations with many foreign leaders, Mr. Trump called him “the most qualified Secretary of State in American history.” Trump said that Lucifer would be very effective in dealing with problems in the Middle East because his knowledge “goes way back” and he “knows the players.” Trump stated that in the last year alone Lucifer counseled and made deals with Putin, Assad, Erdogan, Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas.

Republican senators and conservative groups rallied behind Lucifer. “He is an incredibly hard worker,” said Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell. ”He never takes a day off. Lucifer is working 24/7 365 days a year.” Senator Lindsey Graham, who had often criticized Trump, hailed Lucifer’s appointment, saying. “He knows how to convince people and bring them around to his point of view. He knows all the tricks of the trade.”

Even some Democrats had kind words, “We can do business with Lucifer. Everyone politician in New York has made accommodations with him. He is a practical, pragmatic guy. With Lucifer, it is never a matter of religion.” Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer stated. “He comes with some baggage, but thank God that he is not Rudy Giuliani and not Newt Gingrich.”

Other Democrats are taking a wait-and-see position. “I want to be fair to Lucifer,” said Oregon Senator Ron Wyden. “But I have heard allegations that he tempted Eve, fingered Job, and brought sin into the world. If these are true, they could hinder his effectiveness as Secretary of State.”

Evangelicals who voted 80% for Trump were ready to overlook Lucifer’s history as a corrupter of souls and God’s principal opponent. “That is old news,” said Evangelical leader Rick Warren. “If we’re going into battle against the Moslems, the illegal immigrants and the transgender bathroom invaders, Lucifer is a guy you want on your side.” Lucifer is expected to side with General Flynn in the campaign against radical Islam. “The God that Moslems worship is a bad hombre,” Lucifer has stated. “Believe me. I know Him well.”

Trump demanded that Lucifer’s opponents apologize for linking him to the Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub and Mephistopheles. Last night Trump tweeted, “Diabolical lies! Been completely debunked. Pathetic. Should apologize to a good man.”

Correction: Yesterday’s article “Trump Considers Appointees” stated that Frankenstein was the leading candidate for Secretary of Agriculture. The Monster created by Dr. Frankenstein, and not Dr. Frankenstein himself, is the leading candidate.

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