To My Friend Who Has Just Given Birth:
I want you to know this is hard.
It is so hard, and made harder still because those of us who know, have not been entirely truthful. Think of it not so much as a lie, but as a sin of omission, meant to allow the species to persevere. Because who would do this if she really knew?
At the beginning you are so alone. You are broken into tiny shards and there is no time, to piece yourself together, to remember the puzzle that was you before. Now the pieces don’t seem to fit in quite the same way, the edges just slightly off, the exhaustion wearing them away, the overall picture fading. But you will make yourself anew.
Just know that it will be a struggle.
We didn’t tell you, but we should have, that the instincts you assumed would just appear, the instant love, the need to hold and nurture, are not immediate. They take time to find their way. There is prehistoric muscle memory. Yes, there is that. The baby fits right there into that space between your head and shoulder, as though you and she were meant to interlock. But there are moments when your heart may not flutter the way you thought it would. Fatigue is the only emotion you can feel, if it is an emotion at all, or maybe it is all of them, put together, a fog that takes over your being. And all of that love is lost. It is confused amidst the echoing of the other emotions, all swirling around, and you are so alone. The fog misdirects the voices and the hands of those who reach out to help. They are shapes, amorphous, colors and lights. Meaningless. You must find your own way out.
But in six short weeks there will be smiles.
There will be more than this mewling kitty, who is need personified. Right now she is more animal than child, but in six short weeks she will begin to form her own picture, finding the puzzle pieces that build her strength, her wit, her self. And you will rebuild by her side. And in this way, you will guide each other through the fog.
Just remember these things, when everything else feels lost:
You were strong before, and you are stronger now.
The hands of those who long to help will keep reaching until you are ready for their strength.
This new being will make you the mother you need to be. No rules apply.
Trust yourself and forgive yourself.
There is nothing else that matters.