Why aren't we talking about grief?

“I remember when Dad took me to…” And the tears well up. I want to keep talking, but they’d look embarrassed and start trying to steer the conversation away.

“He wouldn’t want you to be sad…” In my mind, I’m screaming “GO FUCK YOURSELF! He’d want me to cry when I need to, to remember happy memories, to FEEL my emotions.”

“They are in a better place.” That doesn’t mean I miss them any less.

When my maternal Grandfather died, I was 11. I wanted to talk. No-one else did. I was ‘too young to understand’.

My Father passed away when I was 22. I wanted to talk. No-one else did. The conversation was steered away.

I learned that my grief was a weakness, something to be ashamed of. The thing is, I wasn’t ashamed. I hurt, I ached but never was I ashamed.

My paternal Grandmother was a practical woman “We all die – no-one is exempt.” This means, we all experience grief. We all hurt, we ALL lose at some point. So why aren’t we in this together?

We are much better at talking about mental health…

Why aren’t we talking about grief?

My paternal Grandfather died. Again, I wanted to talk. Not with some shrink who didn’t give a fuck about me, I wanted to talk to friends, people I trusted. No-one else did.

My paternal Grandmother left this world at the age of 96. Guess what… Yup, you got it.

But when I spoke to people about my maternal grandmother and her descent into Alzheimer’s, people were comfortable talking about the pain and loss.

Seriously?! Losing her to Alzheimer's was simply a long, drawn out process of grief over 15 years. It HURT. Physically, she was there but she hadn’t recognised me since 2002. The person I loved didn’t know me from the nurses looking after her. But people would talk about it. It was a more accepted subject.

Over the years, I’ve had time, time to consider, reminisce, sob, understand and reflect. The thing is, grief is unique to each and every one of us. And every time we experience it, it’s different. The emotions, the instability, all of it.

But I still don’t grasp fully why we don’t talk about it – it happens to us all right?

I can only speak from experience, I like to talk things out with people I trust. But not everyone does. Some people become angry, others flood in tears and don’t want to speak. That’s ok, it’s different for everyone. But surely the best form of support is what that person needs?

Feeling uncomfortable? Good. Think about why that is.

So why aren’t we talking about grief?

We all know that bottling up emotions isn’t good. By refusing to enter a dialogue involving grief, you’re failing to look at you own emotions, the feelings that come up for you.

Why aren’t we talking about grief? Because we a scared. Let’s end this ‘behind closed doors’ bullshit. Grief hurts – shit bust. But we can be better prepared for our own by supporting our friends who need to talk, to be left alone, to scream and rant, to sob uncontrollably. Don’t shy away from it – embrace it – because one day, you will be there too.