This is how I hope the first 16 questions unfold at the White House briefing.
1) Does “Official A” still work at the White House?
“The White House will not comment on investigations that might or might not be still going on.
2) Does the president plan to fire “Official A?”
“The White House will not comment on investigations that might or might not be going on. And we don’t let the president play with matches.
3) Does the president plan to ask for “Official A’s” resignation?
“The White House will not comment on an investigation that might or might not be still going on. And as you may remember, one of the requirements for a resignation is to have the president tell you that “you’re doing a heck of a job.”
4) Does “Official A” plan to resign?
“Heck of a job” people! That’s the magic phrase.”
5) Is the president concerned that “Official A” may leak again?
“The White House offers Depends undergarments for all who need them. Those chairs in the Oval Office are expensive.”
6) Does the president know that after “Official A” comes “Official B?”
“The White House believes that the president is familiar with the alphabet; he likes to sing his “A, B, C’s” over his PB& J.
7) Does the president plan to ask “Official A” to stop whispering sweet nothings into Robert Novak’s ear?
“That’s just gross.”
8) Is the vice president concerned that “Official A” still works in the White House?
“The vice president is concerned about his own job.”
9) Did the president talk to the vice president about “Official A” still working in the White House? If yes, then what did they say about Karl?
“The White House does not comment on the very private conversations between the president and the vice president about Karl…I mean “Official A.” I mean they aren’t talking. Weren’t Scooter’s crutches cute!”
10) According to the indictment, did the president think that “Official A” acted legally or illegally? Or did the president yell, “Yahtzee!”
“The president plays “Candyland.”
11) According to the indictment, does the president believe that “Official A” acted ethically or unethically?
“We don’t use the “E-word” in this White House.”
12) Is the president concerned that “Official A” is still working in the White House?”
“The White House will not comment on an investigation that might or might not be still going on. But it’s safe to say that the president wouldn’t find the bathroom unless “Official A” still worked in the White House.”
13) Is the vice president concerned that the president hasn’t asked if “Official A” still works in the White House?
“The vice president knows how to find the bathroom.”
14) Does “Official A” still have access to classified material?
“That’s classified and so is the material--unless it talks about someone’s wife who happens to work in the CIA because that’s “fair game.”
15) Is “Official A” concerned that “Official A” will replace “The Architect” as his nickname?
“I can think of another word that begins with an “A,” but the FCC would fine me.
16) Does “Official A” restore “honor and dignity” in the White House?
“Of course. The war is the war. The cover-up worked. The delay and stonewall techniques dragged this case on and on so that this indictment happened last week instead of last year. The president and vice president were re-elected. We turned the Court. And when you do that, there’s only one place to go: go grab your scarf, your sunglasses and sit in your friend’s convertible and play “Valerie Flame. It’s Miller Time people.”