37 Times You Know You're a Parent

You find yourself alone in the kitchen at night, softly singing "Old MacDonald" as you do dishes.
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Parenthood changes you -- physically, mentally and emotionally. Priorities shift; emotions intensify; marriages evolve.

And tolerance for bodily functions increases tenfold.

After just seven months, I've gone from having an aversion to blood and vomit, to now deciding whether to change clothes based not on IF I was pooped, peed or puked on -- but rather, the amount that is still on me. So there's that.

Whether it's catching puke midstream with my hand before it hits someone in the face, or recognizing the warm (yet not fuzzy) feeling spreading across my stomach while nursing... These are the moments when I think, "You're definitely a parent."

I asked other parents when they had this same revelation. Their answers left me equal parts entertained, horrified and frightened.

Spoiler alert: Being a parent involves a lot of poop. Can you relate?

Note the vomit on my shoulder.

You Know You're a Parent When...

  1. You'd rather stay home on Saturday night than wake up at 6 a.m. to nurse a baby AND a hangover.

  • You celebrate bowel movements with a "poop dance."
  • You don't think twice about pushing on your boobs in public to see how full you are.
  • You want to kick the person's ass who coined the saying, "sleeping like a baby." It should be switched to, "sleeping like my 80-pound Labrador Retriever on a Tempur-Pedic bed."
  • You accidentally tell your coworkers you'll be ready for lunch after you go "potty."
  • You institute a "no bodily functions" rule at the dinner table.
  • You find yourself alone in the kitchen at night, softly singing "Old MacDonald" as you do dishes.
  • You find yourself saying, "Oh, good, it's just vomit."
  • Your husband asks if you want to have a "quickie," and you think he said "cookie." You're disappointed because you would prefer the cookie.
  • You learn to shower with people watching you.
  • You sniff your baby's butt multiple times a day and think nothing of it.
  • You leave the house and find pacifiers in your pockets.
  • The 10 p.m. showing of a new movie is too late for date night.
  • You use the restroom with a kid in your lap.
  • You know the pain of stepping on a Lego.
  • You and your spouse create a swear jar just so your kiddo doesn't repeat that four-letter word to his Sunday school teacher... again.
  • The most revered object in the household is the hair dryer. Not because you give a damn what your hair looks like, but because it's the only thing that can get your baby to stop crying and fall asleep.
  • You poop with the door open.
  • You're singing along to the Frozen soundtrack -- then realize you're in the car alone.
  • Getting poop on your hand -- or anywhere else -- doesn't faze you.
  • You know precisely how to "extract" a hard poop ball from your child.
  • You have groceries in the cart, and you're totally OK with leaving them in the aisle so you can get your screaming child out of the store.
  • You find yourself swaying and rocking, no matter where you are -- or whether there's a baby in your arms.
  • Food falls out of your bra when you undress at the end of the day... and it wasn't from anything you ate.
  • You find boogers on your curtains.
  • You learn to bribe your children with everyday tasks. "If you pick up your blocks before bed, you get to brush your teeth!"
  • You keep watching kid shows after the kids go to bed.
  • Going to work on Monday sounds like a vacation.
  • You buy clothes for yourself based on how easily puke will wash out.
  • You hear a baby cry in the store and instantly start rocking your shopping cart.
  • You hide to eat a snack because you don't want to share.
  • Your trip to the gynecologist is your idea of "girl time."
  • You make up songs... for everything.
  • You consider 7 a.m. sleeping in.
  • You pretend to use the bathroom just so you can play on your phone for a few minutes without being bothered.
  • You know where all the drive-thru Starbucks locations are in your city, since you frequent them daily, driving baby around for a nap.
  • You can fall and stay asleep in almost any position.
  • Add the moments you realized you were in the thick of parenthood in the comments!

    A version of this post originally appeared on Raves & Revelations.

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