For more than a year, actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni have been going through a very public legal battle due to alleged harassment and other issues on the set of their film “It Ends With Us.”
As part of that battle, text messages between Lively and her superstar friend Taylor Swift were unsealed this week, allowing the world to see what the two had to say about the situation and its toll on their friendship.
Unsurprisingly, people on social media had a lot to say about the texts, especially an exchange discussing the conflict where Swift calls Baldoni a “bitch” with a “tiny violin.” But while that specific text drew widespread attention, the conversation between Lively and Swift is actually deeper than many people realize — and focusing on details like the “bitch” instance completely misses the point.
In a more profound exchange between the friends, Lively reached out to Swift to ask if everything was OK between them. Lively mentions she sensed “something may not be right” between them following a period of perceived tension.
“I do want to know everything is good so I’m asking,” Lively wrote to Swift. “I always want the opportunity to be a better friend if there’s something I unintentionally did. I know how busy and taxed you are - physically, emotionally, practically, so I don’t expect any more from you ever.”
Swift responded, saying, “No you’re not wrong, but it’s also not a big deal. I think I’m just exhausted in every avenue of my life and in recent months had been feeling a little bit of a shift in the way you talk to me.”
Therapists told HuffPost that this intimate conversation can offer a lot more insight into the pair ― and some lessons for us in our own lives. Here’s what to know:
The text messages are a lesson in healthy conflict management in friendships.
“I think that most people don’t necessarily think about text as a method of thorough, good conflict resolution or communication,” said Dr. Jessi Gold, a psychiatrist and chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee system, who added that this exchange between Swift and Lively proves that notion wrong.
“Now that people don’t really talk on the phone, it’s what we have,” Gold added. “And I think that this generation ― you see it in dating, you see it in friend groups ― has a lot of avoidant behaviors and ghosting and things like that.”
In the case of Swift and Lively, it’s nice to see the pair addressing the issues and challenges in their friendship instead of ignoring them, Gold said.
Direct conversations like this — even through text — are necessary for friendships to continue after a problem.
“If, together, the goal is to still have a friendship, these kinds of conversations are necessary,” Gold said. “Otherwise, there’s a sort of simmering thing under the surface at all times that nobody’s talking about and then if something else sort of falls in that same category of a stressor, you immediately go ‘Well, there they go again. They’re doing the same thing.’ And then it’s pretty hard that way to really move forward at all.”
Lauren Larkin, a licensed therapist and founder of LEL Therapy in New York, added that this text exchange “is a great example for navigating conflict between friends as it encourages people to just ask the question directly.”
There was no beating around the bush or passive-aggressive jabs, which can be common when people try to address a conflict. Being direct, on the other hand, can be rarer. “This is something that we often don’t let ourselves do out of fear of how the other person might respond or what the answer might be,” Larkin said.
“If something is off, sometimes just asking why can help us to understand what is going on for the other person and stop us from ruminating,” Larkin added.
It’s also a way to directly check in with the person, so you get the full picture.
In Swift and Lively’s text exchange, “Taylor shared that there were reasons that have to do with Blake contributing to the distance, but also shared that she was exhausted with lots of other things in her life outside of the relationship as well,” Larkin explained, “which is a helpful reminder when we approach these conversations, there’s often more going on than just the relationship issue itself.”
This text exchange is also proof that bringing up a tough situation directly and honestly doesn’t always lead to a blow-up fight or huge rupture, Larkin said. Instead, it can “lead to repair and finding a path forward.”
The messages were thoughtful and serious, yet didn’t lack emotion.
“There’s something really nice about how long these texts were,” Gold said.
The texts almost seemed like full conversations or full emails, Gold added, and not just quick thoughts.
“They were very well thought-out responses and expressions of care and feeling,” Gold said.
“In the back and forth, I saw accountability, vulnerability and acknowledgement of feelings on both sides,” said Larkin.
There’s also “kindness and grace on both sides, recognizing that nobody’s perfect, and that there’s faults on all sides in situations,” Gold said, and added that it’s clear there is a deep foundation of friendship and respect between the two.
In the unsealed texts, Swift said that Lively’s last few messages to her have “felt like I was reading a mass corporate email sent to 200 employees,” while also acknowledging that she felt bad to criticize Blake.
“I thought Taylor did a great job of being direct in sharing why she felt distant, as she expressed she didn’t feel Blake was talking to her as an intimate friend but more so as a press release,” Larkin said. “She expressed why that would be hurtful or feel strange to her, and also acknowledged that she understands why that would happen as she has been through it before ... she was able to relate and share her feelings alongside her friend’s feelings.”
Gold agreed. “I think what you also see echoed in that text chain is that [Taylor] acknowledges her own past experience with ‘being canceled,’ and what that feels like and how consuming that is,” said Gold.
They have a shared understanding that is important to name, but Taylor also doesn’t use it to minimize any part of the situation, noted Gold. This way, no one is left feeling unheard or misunderstood in the friendship.
Larkin also applauded Lively for putting herself out there emotionally and directly asking about the distance in the friendship, and even at one point saying she felt “needy and awkward.”
“She didn’t attack when asking about the distance but opened the conversation from a place of curiosity and openness to feedback, which was part of why the back and forth seemed more reparative than confrontational,” Larkin added.
“This exchange, overall, felt like two people who were meeting each other where they were at and acknowledging the distance between them, but not like two people [attacking each other] or [being] defensive toward one another,” said Larkin.
Text message conversations are often looked at as the ‘easy way out,’ but that’s not the case.
While text message isn’t the “absolute, A+ ideal form of communication for this kind of conversation” (in-person conversation is ideal), these text messages show that conflict resolution and accountability can still happen over text, said Gold.
In some cases, such as when you live far from a friend and won’t see them in person for a while, text is a good option, she added.
“I think it is possible to have a healthy conversation on a text message and I think that that’s also important for people to realize,” Gold said.
Unlike in-person conversations, where you might say something you don’t mean, texting lets you sit back and draft a calm response (which Gold does recommend).
And, while both Swift and Lively handled this situation maturely and lovingly, that doesn’t mean everyone can handle conflict resolution over text (or at all).
“Not everyone responds in this emotionally mature way, and sometimes you might be met with someone ignoring the problem, becoming defensive or simply not having a desire to continue the friendship,” Larkin said. “But even if the outcome is poor, that doesn’t mean that you did the wrong thing by bringing it up.”