I just got this press release! Did you guys see it? It's a press release!
New Magazine Marks Roe V. Wade Anniversary
SAN FRANCISCO (January 23, 2006)
Marking Sunday's anniversary of the 33-year-old Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, Planned Parenthood has launched a magazine targeting "choicers" to be given out at clinics across the country. "This new magazine will reflect the growing concerns and needs of women in the child-nonbearing age group," says Melody Barron, a spokesperson.
Called "Child-Free," the premiere issue will feature articles and sections that target this prized demographic, as well as counter all those supermarket magazines that show actresses and models happy with their new babies and pregnancies. Among the stories and sections:
-Choice Cuts - the newest procedures and the hottest docs who perform them
I Did It for America:
"My baby would have been a Republican"
Career first!
Give up my red vest for a baby? You're kidding!
Grounded?! For what?!
......and four more reasons to never tell your parents
Mother Knows Best
A letter to my ex-fetus
There will also be special sections, like the "Extreme Makeover: Home Alone Edition, " which shows you how to turn a space-consuming baby nursery into a media room with a plasma TV centerpiece.
Also: "Toys take up space, adults trip over them. Cacti placed throughout the house is the perfect design solution for someone who doesn't have time to feed and clothe a kid, let alone water a plant. And friends with kids -- the cruelest reminder -- will avoid your address like the plague."
According to the spokesperson, the magazine will not shy away from controversy. "We are also running a special report called 'Fetal Gluttony: Fat at your expense?'" Over three million fetuses are overweight or obese prior to abortion, thus putting the mother's health at even greater risk. "We show the readers what they can do about it besides smoking and doing crank," said Barron. Other magazine articles will focus on relationships, including "Guiding his guilt to great sex," and "He pays for your choice: Is it love? Or fear?" To show that all is not serious, however, Child-Free will also feature a humor column called Belly Laffs, highlighting the various true-life funny things people say under anesthesia.
Industry analysts seem positive about the new magazine's chances. "It's definitely viable," said Denise Svaty of publishing consultants Heimlich-Pincher. "You never know until you can hold it in your hands and go through it, but I'd say it's got legs." The first issue premieres today and will be on the newsstand for 24 weeks.
"It's always exciting to give birth to something new," Barron said. "We just hope people give it a chance!" The first ten thousand subscribers get a free gift with their purchase -- a key chain shaped like a small coat hanger. "It's actually a fully-functioning can opener!" said Barron.