CrynWorthy marks an entirely new endeavor. In approximately 3 1/2 months I will mark an important anniversary: July 5th, 2013. That was the day I stood, wearing a 1940s-esque black dress, with my blonde hair pinned back severely in a bun, in a courtroom in Orange County, California. That day I sought a bifurcated divorce. I had flown two days earlier, July 3rd, all the way from Washington, D.C., madly in love with a new man, Military Man, to California. At 8 AM, on July 5th, my lawyer arrived at the courthouse and bluntly said, "You know this may not happen. If your husband's lawyer calls in or shows up and requests a 'universal' divorce,' then that's what they'll get."
I squinted my eyes and scanned the bleak slabs of grey concrete outside of the blocky courthouse buildings. I thought to myself, "So, my attorney didn't bother to inform me after I flew all the way across the country about the enormous chance that this could all fall through? Awesome!"
I kept my mouth shut.
"We also may not even get a chance to stand before the judge. Because of the state's budget cuts, the dockets are all backed up, but let's go inside and see what's up. It is the day after a holiday, so perhaps we'll be in luck," she added.
Another blow to my desperate hopes to be able to call myself single again.
But then it happened. And just like that the judge said to me, "You do understand that once I dissolve this marriage, you will lose your health insurance, don't you?"
"Yes, your honor, I understand," I replied back to her.
And with that one response to her, she declared me single again. Little did I know the insane and terrifying challenges I would soon face, professionally and personally, on that day! I did know one thing, however. I was so happy to be single that I immediately burst into tears, and those tears were accompanied with uproarious laughter. In fact, I was so loud that my attorney was admonished by the bailiff when she returned to retrieve the court documents. And while I thought July 5th was close to the best day I'd ever had as an adult, July 6th was even more magical. Between those two days, I found myself high above a city I once described as my "dusty coffin," a place I was convinced I'd never escape. Escape I did, and I've never looked back.
My self-growth, however, did not really begin on that day. I had to fall hard, lose things I loved dearly, gain them back only to lose them again, and finally come to understand the true meaning of looking inward. Prior to just about a year ago, I only understood looking inward in a superficial way, despite all the books I'd read, all the millions of deep conversations I'd had, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because until about a year ago, I was still running from Cryn. Cryn was two people - there was professional Cryn, and then there was private Cryn. But I have gotten tired of managing these two different sides of me. Now that I'm close to my 40th birthday, I've decided it's high time to merge these two Cryns, and that's why we're all here now.
Inward looking is a difficult task, particularly when you also request those close to you to give you feedback on your "outwardness" and what sort of fixing it needs. But when you do this, when you look inward and you truly allow yourself to see this outwardness at the same time, the journey of becoming authentically you, regardless of what space you find yourself in (professionally or personally) begins in earnest.
So, let's begin, shall we? Let's begin now. Not tomorrow, not next week, but today. Let's all begin living authentically. Of course, for me, living more authentically entails wearing better clothing, nicer shoes, and all around focusing on daily self-care that makes me feel confident when I walk out my door.
Will you join me in this new journey towards a more authentic you?