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The Lies That Limit Our Lives (And How To Stop Them)

The Lies That Limit Our Lives (And How To Stop Them)
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By Dr. Phil

We believe whatever we tell ourselves. We trust ourselves, and, after all, why would we lie inside our own heads? Is that even possible? Actually, yes. You're probably living your life according to a set of beliefs you've held so long that you take them as gospel truth. Maybe you're telling yourself that your critical boss is out to get you, and you're keeping a detailed mental list that pinpoints every single time you've been victimized. Perhaps you're convinced that your husband doesn't really love you because he's never home on time. Or you're certain that you know what's best for everyone, and anyone who dares to contradict you is just in denial. But what if the lens through which you're seeing the world is terribly distorted?

When I was growing up, we'd jump into the pool wearing those plastic goggles with colored lenses. The second we put them over our eyes, everything would look bright yellow or blue or red. Whether we were above or below the surface of the water, it felt as if we were in a parallel universe because whatever we saw was drenched in the hue of the goggles we'd chosen.

Could you be viewing the world through a lens colored by depression, paranoia or narcissism? When emotions are involved, you're not as trustworthy as you think, and if you can't step back and look at a situation objectively, then you can create all kinds of hell for yourself. Your negative assumptions can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you'll create the results you think you deserve.

If you suspect you're being held prisoner by your own distortions, it's time for a gut check: Are you conveniently ignoring alternate explanations that could disprove your arguments about other people's behavior? For instance, you may not be considering the idea that your boss criticizes because she sees potential in you and wants you to be your best. Or that your husband works those long hours because he intends to be successful and make you proud. Or that when your friends come to you with problems, they may need a sounding board more than your take on everything they're doing wrong.

One very effective way of getting to the truth is to confide in a person you trust completely -- but you've got to be open to hearing someone else's point of view. Does your confidante see the situation the same way you do? You don't have to agree on every detail, but if your interpretation and hers are really at odds, think about why that's the case. Remember that you are bringing your own deep-seated preconceptions, hurts and even prejudices to every single circumstance, and though they all may feel very real to you, they're not necessarily reality. Feelings are not facts.

If you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. So you've got to be more than a hammer! Once you recognize the limitations of the way you're looking at the world, you can make different choices in how you respond to it. You do have the ability to choose, and it's available to you every second of every day.

So decide for yourself: Will you continue to let the past dictate your present and future? Or are you going to challenge yourself to stay on high alert for your own filters, unfounded assumptions and illogical conclusions? This is the moment to start holding yourself accountable -- to continually test whether your perceptions are grounded in fact and to cast off the beliefs that are thwarting your potential. Take off those goggles and see all the possibilities the world can hold.

Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's daily talk show is in its 12th season. He has written seven best-selling books; his latest is Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World.

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Before You Go

Dr. Phil: 6 Steps to Self-Assurance
(01 of06)
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It's human nature to think negatively. Studies show that negative thoughts and emotions are quicker to form, attract more of our focus, and are more likely to be recalled than positive ones. Confident people aren't immune to pessimistic self-talk, but they also recognize and value their strengths -- and you should, too. If you have trouble pinpointing your positive attributes, start by thinking about one trait that has served you well in life. (Perhaps your perseverance helped you land your job.) Then get your loved ones involved. Try this approach: 1. Open with telling them what you like most about yourself. Your perspective will provide a jumping-off point for your loved ones -- and help them brainstorm their favorite things about you. 2. Prepare to be surprised. You might think your calm demeanor is your strongest attribute, but others may value your spontaneity. 3. Ask your loved ones for more details. Encourage them to cite specific examples of your most appealing traits in action. 4. Once you identify your best qualities, share them. The more you project your strengths, the more powerful they can become. By repeatedly putting yourself in a position where you feel you're at your best, you build trust in your abilities and assets. (credit:I Love Dust)
(02 of06)
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Know thyself. Once you're aware of your strengths, you need to identify your weaknesses -- and with good reason. The mere fact that we understand who we are, for better or for worse, has been found to improve self-esteem. Though it's in our nature to self-criticize, we also sometimes lie to ourselves about our talents, the real price of certain less-than-ideal aspects of our lives, and our true character traits. Facing your flaws means looking at patterns in your life. Are you often accused of, say, stubbornness, indecision, or hot-temperedness? Do you end up in the same old conflicts with partners, friends, or coworkers? Figure out how you're contributing to those situations, and you'll likely identify what traits you need to address. Hiding the truth requires a lot of energy. It can be emotionally, spiritually, and even physically taxing to convince yourself an issue doesn't exist or will resolve itself on its own. Think back to when you were a kid playing in a swimming pool and you tried to hold a beach ball underwater. You'd get worn out pushing the ball down as its buoyancy forced it to the surface. Likewise, any imperfection you try to hide -- whether it's a character flaw or a part of your past you'd rather not acknowledge -- will most likely pop up again. Confidence takes commitment. You can't spend 50 percent of your time projecting your best assets and 50 percent obscuring the truth and still expect to strengthen your self-esteem. (credit:I Love Dust)
(03 of06)
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It always drives me crazy when someone comes up with a brilliant idea or does a great job on a project -- then discounts any acknowledgment of her achievement by saying, "Oh, it was nothing." It wasn't nothing! And if you act like you don't deserve praise, then who are other people to disagree with you? Your confidence can be affected by the way that people you respect salute who you are and what you do. (There's a reason we call it "a vote of confidence" when others give us a pat on the back.) I'm not suggesting you let everyone else determine how you feel about yourself, but it sure doesn't hurt if someone you care about thinks you have a commendable trait. Being able to receive constructive, positive feedback can help counteract negative thoughts and build confidence. Besides, if you respect someone enough to take their criticism to heart, it's only fair to also accept their praise. If you can't stop yourself from brushing off compliments, practice saying this in front of your bathroom mirror: "Thanks. I appreciate your saying that. I worked really hard, and the fact that you noticed means a lot." (credit:I Love Dust)
(04 of06)
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When you don't know where you're going, it's easy to question yourself and what lies ahead. That's a surefire way to derail your confidence, because most of us are linear thinkers: We travel from A to Z, taking comfort that if we're standing on corner C, we can see D ahead and know that E is just up the road. The human psyche likes a map, and we often get emotionally lost if we don't have one. Whatever your objective, you must define it, create a plan for achieving it, and set up a timeline for its completion in small, measurable steps. Charting these achievements can boost self-esteem as much as attaining your ultimate goal, because, to put it simply, a success is a success, and the more of them you have, the more favorably you're likely to view yourself. When you take deliberate measures toward a goal, you'll have the fortitude to think -- and do -- big.1. Define your destination.2. Draw a map from here to there.3. Set up a timeline for arrival. (credit:I Love Dust)
(05 of06)
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Let's say you're a decent cook, but you don't venture beyond making quick meals for your family. Now, what if you were to invite friends over for an elaborate, six-course dinner? Sure, you've never done that before, but you wouldn't be starting from scratch; you'd be building on skills you already have—taking what I call a reasonable risk. Controlled leaps of faith give us a chance to feel proud of ourselves for having the guts to try something new. Keep in mind... Taking reasonable risks sets us up for success not just once but repeatedly. No matter the outcome (maybe one of your dishes didn't turn out as expected), the attempt itself represents an accomplishment that can be built upon. Next time you'll aim even higher, think even bigger -- and before long making bold moves will start to feel like second nature. We set out on adventures as children not only to express our independence but also to understand our capabilities. We have the opportunity to take a similar approach as adults. You've heard me say that the only person you control is you. By reaching, stretching, and trying new things, you'll expand your life experiences and, in turn, your confidence. (credit:I Love Dust)
(06 of06)
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Having a passionate group of supporters fosters a sense of belonging, which can translate to a feeling of security -- something that helps us build confidence. I'm not saying you can't be self-assured if you usually think of yourself as a lone ranger. But there is often strength in numbers, and identifying the right people to root for you can make a significant difference in the way you approach challenges. Athletes competing in high-pressure situations gain a measurable confidence boost from being cheered on by their peers; it can literally help propel them to victory, according to researchers. It's important for you to feel just as encouraged as you go through life. But finding the right allies is a little like picking out a perfect mate: Sometimes you can spot a keeper right away; most of the time, you stumble upon one through trial and error. To focus your search, consider these questions when you meet someone new:-Do I feel a real connection to this person?-Am I comfortable opening up to her?-Has she ever said anything that would make me doubt myself?Once you find your fans, remember yours isn't a one-sided relationship: As your cheerleaders champion you, you'll be inspired and required to return the favor. (credit:I Love Dust)
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