'Girls' Finale Recap: 'Everyone's A Dumb Whore'

In the season finale of HBO's "Girls," Hannah and Marnie go forward with their "break-up," while Adam gets serious. Meanwhile, Jessa throws a very important impromptu party, much to the displeasure of Shoshanna.
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Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 10 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "She Did."

There's a part in the "Girls" Season 1 finale where Shoshanna, so fed up with the crazy antics around her, tells Ray, "Everyone's a dumb whore." Honestly, I felt the same way watching tonight's finale.

I didn't hate it. In fact, there were some parts -- especially Adam's scenes -- that I absolutely loved, but it didn't exactly leave me wanting more. After a season of highs and lows -- and little-to-no character development -- "She Did" was a bit of a mess. There was too much change for a 30 minute finale. Let's start with the episode's biggest shocker.

Jessa gets married. All it took was one proverbial slap from Kathryn Hahn, and now Jessa is Mrs. Thomas John. In case you've already forgotten, Thomas John (guest star Chris O'Dowd) was man that practically begged for a threesome with Marnie and Jessa. You know, the guy with the $10,000 rug.

"I promised myself that if I ever saw that crazy bitch again, I would make her my fucking wife." With vows like that, how can you not love this guy?

They've only known each other for three weeks, but boy, are these two crazy kids in love. Not to mention that if the marriage goes south, Jessa could walk away with half of Thomas John's net worth. Now that's how you sustain a New York City lifestyle without a job.

But in all seriousness -- or as seriously as I can take this relationship -- it makes sense that after last week's encounter with Kathryn, Jessa would do something like this. Her little white DUMBO wedding may have come out of nowhere, but Jessa has always been the spontaneous type, so should we really be that surprised?

The question is, where does Jessa go from here? Will she come back for Season 2 divorced and incredibly rich, or will she be living happily ever after with Thomas John in Williamsburg? Hopefully, this isn't the last we'll see of O'Dowd, who plays the one-note character brilliantly.

As for the rest of this ragtag group of twenty-somethings, Marnie and Hannah are officially dunzo -- as roommates, that is. The former BFFs just need some time apart. However, I'm not quite sure why Marnie is the one moving. After all, Hannah is the wound. Is Hannah keeping track of all the people she owes a Thank You card to?

This girl seriously needs to stop whining about all the things she doesn't have and take a look at what she does have. Hannah has a great apartment and a boyfriend who, for the first time since the season began, doesn't actually suck.

Forget every mean thing I've ever said about Adam -- well, almost every mean thing -- because anyone that helps you move in New York City is a true friend. (Although, I highly suggest wrapping your mattress in plastic next time, Marnie.)

Adam is like The Hulk. One minute, he's a raging d-bag and then the next, he's practically a poet. I love that he's the only one that call Hannah out on her bullshit.

"Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing," he tells Hannah. "You're forming every time you shed a layer. You're getting closer to yourself. Look at this place! It's half empty now, full of potential. Anything could happen."

Things like this make it so hard for me to hate on Adam. However, now that Adam wants to get serious and move in with Hannah, she doesn't want it. For months, she did nothing but whine about Adam not wanting to commit, and now that he's committing, Hannah's not so into it.

It probably doesn't help that Adam gets verklempt at Jessa's wedding. "Time is a rubberband," he says. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it sounded truly beautiful. It's pretty obvious that Adam is on #TeamJessaJohn, which only weirds Hannah out even more.

(Side note: The only redeemable part of this wedding is Marnie's stank face as she dances to Jessa and Thomas' wedding song -- Lady's "Pussy Be Yankin'.")

Cut to Hannah, who's lying on the bathroom floor (sans cupcake), and Jessa, who's going to the bathroom, having a post-wedding heart-to-heart. Jessa is "so fucking happy" with Thomas John. So happy, in fact, that she almost feels like an adult. She's also "so fucking happy" that she forgets to wash her hands before leaving the bathroom. It's the small things that always bring me the most discomfort.

Hannah may be able accept Jessa's decision to get married, but she's not so keen on Adam moving into her apartment. So when Elijah mentions that he's living in some sort of hostel (not hostile) situation, Hannah quickly tells him that he can move in with her.

I'm so excited to see more of Andrew Rannells in Season 2. Hannah and Elijah are going to be the hipster version of Will and Grace, and it's going to be great.

Elijah also confronts Hannah and finally tells her something that's been weighing on his conscious for seven episodes: He did give her HPV. I never thought that I'd say this, but poor Adam. The guy really does get a bad rap.

He's really just a sensitive guy, and when he commits to something, he commits 100 percent -- and when he's mad, he's really fucking mad.

After Adam finds out that Hannah offered up the room to Elijah, he storms out of the wedding. Hannah, being someone that likes to pick at scabs before they heal, runs after him. What happens next is some of the greatest writing of the season.

"You love yourself so much, so why is it so crazy that someone else would too?" Aw, he loves her! He really loves her! Too bad she's too "scared" to accept his kind of crazy love. She then tells him that she's "the most scared person that's alive," before Adam exclaims, "You don't have the right to be!"

Thank god Adam said it. Finally, someone in Hannah's life had the guts to tell her just how ridiculous her fears are.

Here's how their conversation went down:

Adam: "You think that just because you are 11 pounds overweight..."
Hannah: "I am 13 pounds overweight, and it has been awful for me my whole life!"
Adam: "Holy fucking shit. Here's the world's smallest, tiny violin playing 'My Heart Bleeds For You.' Fuck you! You don't know struggle. I'm a beautiful fucking mystery to you."

And a "beautiful fucking mystery" makes for a pretty captivating chapter in a memoir. Hannah wanted an interesting story -- not a boyfriend -- and boy, did she get one heck of a story when Adam was driven away in that ambulance. Unfortunately for her, Adam wasn't seriously injured when that taxi cab hit him, so her story won't be as melancholy as Tally's, but it will suffice.

Hannah then falls asleep on the F train, only to wake up in Coney Island -- with only a slice of wedding cake to her name. (Note: I love that they had to zoom in on Hannah's purse to warn us that it was about to get stolen.)

The season ends with Hannah eating cake on the beach. I'm not quite sure if she's aware her purse was stolen, or if she's just YOLO-ing it up in Coney Island (or is she sad it's not a cupcake?), but she doesn't seem worried or anxious or "scared." In fact, this might be the most relaxed we've ever seen her, which is why everything in this finale is so confusing.

How many times can we watch Hannah fail? I'm not saying that she deserves to win, but I'm starting to feel like Hannah Horvath has some major karma issues.

Meanwhile, Shoshanna is going through her own drama. Shoshanna doesn't appreciate Jessa's surprise wedding. When Ray tells her that she "vibrates on a very strange frequency" and that he couldn't stop thinking about her after she gave him that groin massage in Bushwick. Unfortunately for Ray, Shosh really isn't in the mood for small talk.

She's mad, and it's hysterical. Shosh always tries to mask her true feeling behind words like "amaze" and "adorbs," but for the first time -- since the crack incident -- she's letting everyone around know how she really feels. "Everyone's a dumb whore," she tells Ray, before the two leave the wedding to go have sex. It's just been one of those days.

Hopefully, this will lead to some sort of a sexual revolution for Shoshanna. I'm not saying that I want her to be a total nymphomaniac, but now that Shoshanna got rid of her biggest baggage, there's no telling what kind of freak in the sheets she'll be for Season 2.

(Side note: Once again, Ray delivers the funniest line of the episode. [To Hannah] "Don't just think. That's an extremely unattractive feature of your generation.")

As for Marnie, the more champagne she drinks, the more she finds the tubby wedding officiant funny and adorable. This ultimately leads to one hell of a make out session. There's wedding cake involved too. Sorry Charlie. She doesn't want to "fuck you in the bathroom," but she does want to make out with the guy who just so happens to be the anti-you.

I just have one question: Where is Jorma Taccone? I really thought they were going to bring his character back for some sexy time with Marnie. His crass pickup line -- "The first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little. Because I'm a man, and I know how to do things" -- was one of the highlights of the season. Hopefully, there's still time to bring him back for Season 2.

What did you think of the "Girls" Season 1 finale? Let us know in the comments!

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