A little bit over eight months ago, I was twirling around the city thinking I had a grip on being single. Answering my friends, who would ask the same question as my mom, since you're like perpetually, always, really single, have you thought about trying online dating?
It was one of those quick no's that are rare exceptions to our usually indecisive and over analytic minds. Kind of like when Time Warner asks you if you're okay with them transferring you to someone else, which will mean you'll have to be placed on hold, again, for 45 minutes.
Okay, fine. I thought about it. But I wasn't convinced that I should set up a profile and write some witty jargon to try to sell myself to a pool of guys over the Internet. It would be like creating an advertisement for a billboard in Times Square, except instead of a million tourists gawking at it, strange men would be. But, I was having a hard time meeting people the other way, partially because I spent too much time working and partially because I had grown hostile to meeting guys at bars who were three tequila shots in and slurring their words while petting my hair.
A month later, I had a profile up on JDate.
Online dating wouldn't be so bad if people just spoke to each other like humans. As if they were meeting in person for the first time. If I was at a bookstore and a guy wanted to approach me to say hello or get my attention, if he said something like, "Sup Cutie. You fine," and followed it up with a wink face, I'd be confused, embarrassed, and ultimately walk away. If he said something simple, something that's not forced or creepy, something as blasé as, "Hey, what book are you reading?" he'd get my attention and along with that, my response.
But instead, guys are sending messages like this one that I received a week ago:
I think it's only fair that I give you full disclosure... I'm an asshole 0=)
That's what this guy by the username The Goblin sent me as a first message, as if that even warrants a response. Was he thinking I'd reply back with a "PLEASE take me out. You sound like a lovely, respectable human being"?
Or one that I received last night:
You're 5"6 too tall for me, sorry.
If you want to be a successful online dater, stop with these kinds of messages:
1. One Word To Rule It All
Sample messages: "Hey," "Yo," "Sup."
They looked at your profile. Not really. They looked at your gallery of photos, liked what they saw, didn't have enough time, or energy, or a need to read anything about you so they just send you one word.
2. I Hope Your Looks Don't Lie
Sample messages: "Yo. You're hot. That really you in those pics? Hope you not Catfishin' me."'; "If you can talk as good as you look, I may be in love."
Sample messages: ";)" ":-@"
When's the last time you actually winked at a real, live, girl? I hope the answer is never.
Sample message: "Hey, Marissa. A little about me: I'm from Long Island and I used to play football. I like to go out with friends on weekends, but I also don't mind staying home and watching a good movie, with some good company. You look like someone I'd like to get to know better. Do you agree?"
If you're lucky, like I always am, they will even forget to change the name on the message and you'll receive one written to a Marissa or a Francesca when your name is Jen.
5. Misery Looking For Company
Sample message: "I'm not a fan of online dating, but I figure I'd give it a try." "How's JDate working out for you? I don't want to do this but my mom paid for my account and pesters me every day about it to make sure she's getting her money's worth."
6. What Did You Just Ask Me?
Sample messages: "Other than your looks, what are three things you've got going for you?" "If you were on Jeopardy, what would be your 30 second speech when Alex Trebek interviews you?"
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.