Must I Tell My Spouse Everything?

A successful marriage requires that spouses allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other. Here's why...

In a good marriage we can be ourselves more with our partner than with anyone else in the world. We can have imperfections and still be loved. Being vulnerable means risking sharing our true selves instead of saying what we think our partner wants to hear. Sharing thoughts and feelings fosters trust and intimacy.

According to meditation teacher and author Sharon Salzburg, "Embracing our inherent vulnerability is one of the best ways to break the cycle of fear and self-preoccupation. This can be as simple as accepting help from others when we need it...We think we should be in charge all the time, that we should always be in control...it's just not true."

Why Many Are Afraid

It's not unusual for a man who's been fired from a job to delay telling his wife for several days, or even for a couple of weeks. The John Wayne image of an invincible "man's man" who always comes out on top and doesn't express tender feelings persists, as does the male ego. Yet many women also fear that if they say what they really feel, think, or want or acknowledge a failure, they'll be judged negatively.

How can you encourage your partner to open up to you? When he (or she) does share something sensitive or discloses a perceived weakness, listen attentively. Be supportive and validate your spouse's feelings . If he sounds angry, even if at you, say gently, "I hear you're angry (or upset, hurt or disappointed)."

Being Vulnerable Can Be Risky

Some people have difficulty accepting someone who expresses vulnerability. Most likely these folks have difficulty accepting aspects of themselves that they judge as unacceptable and project their poor self-image on an available target. Such a person might react to our honest self-expression by trying to put us down or make us "wrong."

For example, Gina's self-esteem had taken a nosedive after she was fired from her job as a personnel director. When she told Phil, an acquaintance, that she was unemployed, he said, "Too bad you don't have any skills."

Someone who responds to another's vulnerability so insensitively or hostilely is a poor candidate for a healthy relationship. A good potential or actual partner will listen and respond respectfully when you reveal your true self and situation, not judge you negatively.

Gaining the Courage to Be Vulnerable

People I see in my psychotherapy practice typically have relationship difficulties because they find it difficult to relate authentically. They learned while growing up that it wasn't safe to express themselves honestly because they were criticized or punished when they did.

As children they picked up the message that they should hold back on authentic self-expression and carried the pattern into adulthood. They become "people-pleasers" who are afraid to expose their true selves. Instead, they share only feelings, thoughts and desires they think the other person will feel comfortable hearing.

If you and a potential or actual marriage partner don't have a calm enough relationship to allow you to express yourself vulnerably, consider seeking counseling with that goal in mind. Your investment is likely to yield a huge improvement in your relationship.

Sharing Feelings Helps You Connect

One cautionary note: You don't need to share everything with your partner, especially about past relationships which are irrelevant to your current one. No confessions, please. You want to share what's important to you now, and to your current, special relationship.

By relating vulnerably, you and your loved one get to know and understand each other more completely. This is why allowing your partner to see your vulnerability is a gift. Doing so permits the other to empathize with you and help you out--which is how a great spouse will respond to your openness.
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Notes:
*Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted (New World Library, 2014) features step by step instructions for holding an open, gentle conversation that fosters intimacy romance, teamwork and smoother resolution of issues.

**Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect people's privacy.