Racism Changed My Identity

I promise you, I’m a fun guy to chill with it, but lately I’ve some serious thoughts about my identity in relation to racism and in particular the racism I experienced in my life. I want to talk about this, not only for my own good, but also to let men and women in the same position know, that they are not the only one experiencing these troubles. I’m going to brutally honest about my feelings and it’s one of the most difficult things for me to talk about. So yeah, ’ere it goes, lads and lasses.

I’ve shared some of my racism-story already in other blog posts, which I will leave the links to below, but I felt I needed to make the relation between my mental health and my experiences with racism. First of all it has had a great impact on me and my personal life, and further more I sense that racism is a big issue in contemporary societies. I’m not saying racism is more alive, more open and I’m not saying the opposite. I’m not sure what the real thing is, but the sentiment has grown over the last few years and it’s important to acknowledge that to continue to work on our mental health as a whole.

I guess racism in all forms, has always played a role in my life. Sometimes more than other times, sometimes cruel, violent and abusive, sometimes more of closet form of racism. But to make a short evaluation already, it has been consistent in my life and I’ve grown accustomed to racism in my life. I suppose this will give a majority of the people an uneasy feeling, but this is reality B. I was born from a white dad and a black mother. So I’m what they call a halfcast. This is very important in the way that I feel, but I will get back to this later on. Because racism has been so consistent in my life and the insults are ever present, it has lead me to believe that I’m that what they call me. Not always, but often I do feel like I’m different. I suppose being different is a good thing, in this otherwise dull world, but this is not the right form of being different, I feel. I feel like an outcast. And honestly, it regularly fucks me up.

Feeling worthless. I guess a lot of you that read my blog and experience depression, can relate to the feeling of utter worthlessness and despair. A world spinning very, very fast, yet your inner being feels hollow, void and empty. It’s terrible to experience that, I know all about it, but this worthlessness I talk about today, is completely different and yet kind of the same. I’ve experienced name calling, exclusion, threats, beat ups, violence, abuse emotionally and physically, sexual abuse. All these things have happened to me, because I deserved it. At least, that is what they made me think. “But Marc, why don’t you just ignore those people mate. It’s not the truth.” Well, let me tell you this, it’s not that simple. If you are lead to believe, almost every single day, that you are not worth of living or are not entitled to a normal life, it fucks you up in a way that you can’ describe. It makes you believe that you are less of a human. That you are not worthy of comfort, kindness and love. Every single expression of the forsaid kindness, you believe to be false and you pull yourself back. I honestly believed that I deserved the hate and abuse I experiences. And to be honest, sometimes this feeling comes back to me.

Now racism has been present for ages, pals. I know that and it’s not like it’s a new phenomena, but I’ve experienced a shift in the world regarding different people and nationalities etc. Since the coming of IS/ISL/Daesh we as a world have grown more apart from each other. Our values have changed and this has ultimately lead to far right and right movements growing in the world and left movements not able cope with it. (Although I must admit, the left movements are beginning to reorganise themselves better again) Now, this is not a history lecture don’t worry, but there’s a lesson to be learned here. People often say that there are more racists in the world. This has been said many times of the past two years, especially with the Brexit situation, Wilders, Le Pen, Trump and AfD. But I don’t agree with that statement. I feel that racism is more exposed and that people feel more comfortable in spreading their racist agenda, which is very painful for me to comprehend. Not only does it give me great pain to experience all the memories again via all these shit people, but I’m also worried that my fellow coloured people will experience the same. I know racism is universal and that there’s plenty of racism toward white people as well, but in this case I’m trying to focus on my experiences.

Identity is a funny thing and God, I struggle with this shite. Racism has fucked up my sense of identity. REAL LIFE. I’m going to be real, yeah. I feel worthless. I feel less deserving of anything in this world and I’ve no fucking idea how this is going to change, man. I’ve awesome family and friends. I’ve met the most amazing girl ever and I genuinely can say, they all give me love in their own specific and particular way. However, I still have a long way to go. The most difficult thing I struggle with, is who I am. I’m Dutch, yet I don’t look completely Dutch. I’m half Tanzanian, yet if I go there, they will see me as an European, because I’m mixed race. So, I’m sat here with this hurt feeling of not belonging to anything. I only hear, you don’t belong here and it hurts like hell. It fucks with my identity and I’m searching for my identity. I wouldn’t wish the things I have experienced, on my worst enemy and if you constantly get hurt by the words and physical abuse, you start to believe that you are an outcast. And it’s this that has a huge impact on my mental health and in particular, my depressive episodes.

At this moment I’ve had enough of all the negativity in the world, all the hate I get for being colored. I’ve had enough of the emails telling me that I’m not worthy of anything in this world. I’m so fed up. Racism is fucking awful and I hope you never experience that what I experienced. But, I want you to know I’m here for you all. If you have questions or want to chat about certain things, I’m here for you.

Remember. Love corrupts hate.