Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 4, Episode 3 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."
Dear readers and prostitution whores,
Let's switch it up this week and focus on the real reason you watch: all the beat downs. Since everyone's at battle, I'll spotlight all the juicy fights and pick a winner each week. The prize? Olive Garden gift certificates and the joy of knowing you've severed yet another tie. Like/hate this format? Let me know in the comments.
Lauren vs. Her Body vs. Her Family
It's hard to lose weight and gain confidence when your brothers are constantly telling you how much of a mutant you are. As Lauren and her beau Vito innocently make "boring grilled chicken," her brother Christopher not-so-quietly calls them a "handsome couple." Here, he is employing a literary term known as "sarcasm" because -- let's just call a space a spade here -- Lauren and Vito aren't the next Brangelina.
Lauren's dad steps in to twist the knife even deeper with a comment about how Laurito's children will beat up all their cousins. "They are gonna be some big ass kids," he says. Caroline is horrified, but her incredulous "What? Are they going to be beasts?!" comment doesn't come out right. Then, to ensure that Lauren feels thoroughly awful, older brother Albie says the future babies will be like "little koala bears that can't control their arms." Lauren admits that she hates the way she looks, and she almost can't believe that Vito dates her. By the time they actually eat dinner, it's a wonder anyone has an appetite.
Winner: Lauren
While the adult "Housewives" are sent into fits of hysteria over a sideways glance or eye roll, Lauren lets an incredible amount of verbal abuse just roll off her shoulders. She doesn't raise her voice or leave the table. She keeps her chins up (I had to!) and knows that revenge is just a few dropped pounds away. Besides, koala babies that can't control their arms sound so cute!
Gia vs. The Utterly Unfair Nature of the Universe
Teresa's oldest daughter seems very, very tired. She's a little mother hen, ensuring that her siblings stay, oh I don't know, alive while the adults are out partying on a boat. She watches in horror as her baby sister almost gets run down by a car. Then, she makes another save when she finds a sibling dangling from a rod in the closet. A couch is also ripped, but she can't do much about that. Meanwhile, babysitter Rosie (Kathy's sister) curses and threatens to throw them them all "in the lagoon" if they keep acting up. She copes by going outside and mourning her wasted youth. With parenting like this, Gia will be picking out her stripper name in no time!
Winner: Gia
When she bellows "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" at her sibling like a rabid animal, it's obvious that she'll be able to handle pretty much anything the world throws at her.
Tabloid Article vs. Teresa's Life
It's hard to keep up appearances when In Touch magazine has your big, sad eyes and the words "My Life Without Joe" splashed on its cover. In the interview, Teresa's hubby blasts her brother -- and now that they've hit newsstands, she's all flustered. Jacqueline makes a pretty compelling point: We're not talking about fabricated National Enquirer reports here. "She's agreeing to do these articles 'cause she's posing for them ... is she profiting from people's pity, or does she really feel that way?" Jacqueline asks. The article actually brought Teresa and her brother closer -- but during their make up, she accidentally hated on his wife. "Lookin' out for him, I said, 'You better watch her, 'cause like if a guy comes along with more money, she might leave you.'" Oh, that's a comment that will definitely never resurface and potentially end in bloodshed.
Winner: Tabloid Article
'Cause a two-page spread just gave Bravo! enough material for an entire season.
Jacqueline vs. Drinking
I'm just going to cut to the chase and award the win to ...
Winner: Drinking
It gets poor stuck-in-the-middle Jacqueline to talk a mile a minute and to spill details about anyone she's ever come in contact with. How's Ashley? Oh, she's great and learning to use a computer. Caroline? Nothing new there, just a personal struggle with menopause that she didn't tell anyone about but, probably wouldn't mind if everyone discussed. Forgive Jacqueline, God ... for she has Zinned.
Teresa vs. The Meaning of Solstice
Winner: The Meaning of Solstice
It's a two-syllable word, gang. No contest.
Kathy's Sister Rosie vs. Teresa
Rosie is hands-down the best androgynous human on the show. Though I don't fully understand anything about her, she can do no wrong in my eyes -- except when she unnecessarily instigates. She starts all the drama at the summer solstice party and turns a "spiritual" event (there are fairies there for god sake!) into a drama scene. Though her talk with Teresa ends with kiss-kiss fake smiles all around, she turns to the other gals and spews hate.
Winner: Kathy's Sister Rosie
With a few words, she sucked all the positivity out of the room and set the stage for a battle royale -- and though it's not nice, it's kinda impressive.
BATTLE ROYALE!
Melissa vs. Teresa
Now that Melissa knows that Teresa called her a gold digger and a cheater, she's out for blood. She even used the "J" word (jail) in Teresa's presence. (Apparently, you're supposed to say "going away.") With that, Teresa storms out and tries to leave -- but since nobody has filled their shouting quota, she's forced to stay. Finally, Melissa goes to speak with her ... and it gets uglier than Joe Giudice with his shirt off.
"Don't you ever get in between my marriage," Melissa says in scary slow-motion voice. Teresa, ever the wordsmith, hits back with "don't get between MY marriage." Then, they switch from husbands to children (not a big stretch). This time, Melissa starts it. "You insult my kids," she shrieks. But Teresa's got a bigger issue -- presents.
Can you believe that when Melissa gives her nieces gifts, she drops them off at the pre-school? That blows Teresa's mind. Like, she can barely say it without shaking. "Better than the no gifts you give my kids," Melissa counters, alluding to the fact that Teresa forgot/ignored her nephew's birthday because the grown-ups were fighting. Then, Melissa does a ton of finger-spiny things and tells Teresa not to beat around the bush, to which Teresa, always quick with the retorts, says something that sounded like "I'm not reating abound the brush." Then, Teresa tries to leave and Melissa says, "Run away coward," which is a mature way to ensure that a fight never actually ends.
Winner: Melissa
Melissa comes out on top because she's the only one who remains coherent the entire time. Teresa seems hell-bent on ruining a marriage and breaking up a family -- and the only thing worse than stupid is evil. If someone doesn't suck the venom out of her, she's done for.