In the beginning of any relationship there are habits to adjust to, personality quirks to discover, and systems to be worked out. One of you may prefer to share the covers at night, for instance, while the other may want them all to himself. It is important to talk about these sorts of things, because they can lead to a deeper understanding of the person now sharing your bed and your life, and they help us realize just what we have gotten into.
I am not a big fan of relationship advice columns, but I do have a suggestion for everyone who is currently in a relationship or thinking of having one in the future. If you share a bed with someone at night, try sharing your dreams with each other in the morning, too.
Think about it: you have both gotten up early, it's time to make some coffee and head off to work. The night before was so special (for reasons I don't have to go into here), and yet as you glance across the table at your partner you can't think of a single thing to say that doesn't involve money, schedules, or what to cook for dinner. There has got to be something more interesting, more romantic even, to start the day off with.
Then you remember a little snippet of a dream from the night before. The two of you were off to see a movie, and bumped into an old college roommate. The meeting was brief, your old friend was happy to meet your new sweetie, and that was the end of the dream.
We tend to worry that every dream is filled with Freudian intrigue, that it reflects badly on us somehow, and betrays dark secrets we don't even know we have. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The dreams we have at the start of a new relationship can tell us a lot about how we're coping with the changes in our life, and what our hopes and fears are for the relationship. These are all very good things to communicate with the other person. And chances are they have had some recent dreams that say something about what they think they've gotten into, too.
Here are a couple tips for sharing your dreams with that special someone. And please note: this is not something that only benefits people in new relationships. The longer you have been together, the more you will show up in each other's dreams, so it is always useful to see how that is going for both of you.
• Just share the dream. Treat your dreams like stories, or like windows into how your subconscious is integrating all your thoughts and feelings from yesterday, last week, a year ago, and way back when you were 12. Don't expect them to make sense, just enjoy the opportunity to have a little glimpse into each other's private world.
• Be an ally, not an analyst. There is nothing worse than sharing a funny little dream and instead of having a supportive ear, hearing your beloved say, "Wow, you really need to work things out with that client, don't you?" Sometimes dreams have obvious meanings and messages. If so, let the dreamer have first crack at stating it.
• Ask great questions, and listen. Follow the advice of dreamworker Robert Moss, and ask questions such as, "How did you feel when you woke up?" or "Do you recognize anyone in the dream?" My current favorite question is, "If you could ask one thing about the dream itself, what would you want to know?"
• Have fun, but take it seriously. Every now and then, an amazing dream pops up. By sharing your dreams, you may find that your dreams become clearer and more profound. If so, take it as a gift and thank your partner for helping you follow your dreams more closely. Then ask him gently if he could stop taking all the damn covers in the middle of the night.