Below is a comment I received on my website, Divorced Girl Smiling from a woman seeking advice and considering getting divorced because her husband has no sex drive.
I have been married 10 years and I want a divorce. I love my husband so much it hurts to have to tell him I am leaving. We have been fighting for four years now, since my dad died, and even more so for the last year, since my mom died. Mainly it's because I need more sex and intimacy.
I feel so lost without my parents and I need that human contact and he can't seem to find it important enough to give it to me. He says he loves me but doesn't have a sex drive any more.
He is in his mid 40s and healthy. It seems the more I ask about it the more he holds it back from me. I can't take it any more! We use to make love almost every other day for five years. Then excuses happened all the time. I'm too tired. My hip hurts. Maybe tomorrow. Then that never happens.
I am frustrated and refuse to keep pleasing myself when I am married. If I have to do everything myself, why should I be married?? Help!
When I read something that says "I want a divorce" and "I love my husband so much it hurts" in the same paragraph, my instinct tells me you do not want a divorce. Which is great! People who have checked out of a marriage don't typically say "I love my husband so much it hurts."
There are a few things going on here that need addressed, the first being that you are dealing with the death of your parents. That has to be incredibly painful and life altering. I'm so sorry for you. But, I suspect it is playing a huge role in your emotions and wish to divorce. Any therapist will tell you not to make a decision like divorce while you are still mourning the death of a loved one.
Now, about the sex. You really have to find out what the issue is. I do not buy "I have no sex drive." There is a reason your husband doesn't want sex. He might feel badly about himself, he might even be depressed. Or, he might be cheating, (I don't mean to scare you, but it is a possibility).
You need to talk to him. I mean, really talk to him. Ask him in a very nice way. Say this to him: "I love you so much it hurts. You are the love of my life. I want us to be together forever. I don't want anyone else. I don't want you to want anyone else. But with that kind of love comes sex, and I want to have sex with you. Often. Like we used to. If you really love me and you want a happy, healthy marriage, let's please work on this together. I will do whatever it takes, whatever you need. I want you. Forever. Do you?"
The two of you can consider therapy, or he could go to therapy himself. He could also have low testosterone, which is causing his low sex drive, so he could have that checked out with his doctor.
Also, you guys could try spicing things up a bit. Here is part of a comment I received in response to your comment that I thought was great:
What options have you tried so far? Maybe spice things up a little bit... toys, role playing, different times of day, different rooms, or new cities/states, etc. can be a new way of introducing something fun and enjoyable for both of you. Yes, sex can get to a point in a marriage where it is routine and boring, but it doesn't have to be. There is so much more to a marriage than the bedroom.
In closing, I get so many emails and comments from people considering divorce and their situations are much worse than yours. In other words, yours seems like a marriage worth saving. But the bottom line is, your husband needs to listen to your needs. If he continues to do nothing, you will eventually cheat and/or leave. I truly hope he is smart enough and cares enough to fix it before it gets to that point.
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, "Love Essentially" for Sun-Times Media local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.