There’s a new phenomenon hitting dating apps in recent months: People are now explicitly looking for a “slow burn.”
It’s a bit different from the more obvious intentions that were popular five years ago, like “looking for a partner in crime” or a “friends with benefits, only” situation. In some ways, the “slow burn” feels like a mashup of the two: someone looking for a real relationship — albeit slow-going — that will most likely involve the benefits of a relationship, like sex, eventually (or sooner rather than later).
That was my experience earlier this year with a guy I met on Bumble. He was a military doctor who lived in a different city. He was busy. A lot. We texted frequently, but meetups were few and far between. I figured it was a slow burn — we were taking our time getting to know each other. We weren’t rushing; we were pacing.
According to Laurel House, relationship expert and dating coach at eharmony, a slow burn romance is one that takes time to grow. “Initially, daters might say they don’t feel chemistry but might sense a potential for a connection or even a ‘just friends’ vibe. That is all OK, as long as they don’t discard the potential after one date,” she explains.
As the connection grows, House said, the slow burn feelings “are simultaneously beginning to root into the hearts and minds of the new budding couple (or even just new friends). It’s actually a good thing chemistry isn’t initially felt within a slow burn build, because chemistry — like fireworks — hits hard and fades fast. Slow burn, on the other hand, creates the environment for true intimacy: emotional intimacy.” That intimacy is built through “confidently vulnerable conversation” where both people open up emotionally.
“When you open up and have those hard conversations, in which you showcase your vulnerability and share your stories, you are opening your heart,” she said. “When the other person opens up and shares as well, you are two people with open hearts and the possibility of true connection.”
It’s what happened for Railey Molinario who met her husband Erik online during the pandemic on a dating site.
“Because of lockdown, we couldn’t meet up right away, so we just talked on the phone every day for three months straight,” she said. “No pressure, no rushing. Just long conversations about life, our pasts, our goals, and what we really wanted in a relationship. By the time we finally met in person, it felt natural, like we already knew each other. There were no games or guesswork. We built trust before anything physical ever happened.”
Why More People Are Feeling The ‘Burn’
Relationship coach Whitney Kobrin believes slow burn romances are increasingly popular because they counteract the burnout from love-bombing and app culture.
“When I met my current fiancé, it took us three months to go on our first three dates. A week would go by without a text. But I didn’t panic,” she said. “I was in ‘trust the universe’ mode and didn’t try to force it or exit prematurely. I’m so glad our initial stage was a slow burn, as it gave us both time to date other people, gain clarity, and make rational (not hormonal) decisions that have led us to a happy, healthy, lasting relationship, going on seven years!”
For Kobrin, who once had an anxious attachment style, going slow became a healing, strategic move when it came to finding the right match. “If you have a pattern of jumping all in and flaming out quickly, it’s strategic and intelligent to take your time getting to know someone over multiple dates and conversations.”
The Benefits Of Slowing Down
Kobrin outlines three major benefits to slow burn dating:
- It allows time to see someone’s true character beyond their highlight reel.
- It encourages being present and enjoying small moments instead of rushing into future fantasies.
- It prevents physical intimacy from clouding your judgment too early.
“When you take your time getting to know someone, letting it burn slowly and naturally, your commitment is even stronger,” she said.
House adds that slow burn dating can actually produce more enduring love. “Slow burn romance can be created from dating apps, exes reconnecting, or friends turning into lovers. Regardless of how it starts, slow burn is the best way to activate and root a deeply enduring love,” she said.
As Molinario puts it: “We realized how rare that kind of connection was, and we both wanted to protect it. It taught me that slowing down actually speeds up clarity. We knew we had something real before the first date.”
When You See ‘Slow Burn’ In Someone’s Profile...
Even in the fast-paced world of dating apps, House insists slow burn is achievable ― if not highly desirable.
“Slow burn is certainly coming on the heels of love-bombing and shoppable dating. These fast-fading dating trends burned themselves out, and daters are no longer interested in dating games,” she shares. “Daters are looking for something real and enduring — they want to truly feel — and they want to rise into love (not fall into it).”
House’s advice: Start with six to eight substantive messages on the app, where you ask real questions and share a few interesting details and stories about yourself. Once you get to know each other well enough, she then recommends scheduling a phone date when you are both able to physically and emotionally focus on each other and talk for 30-60 minutes.
“This process helps prequalify and disqualify matches,” she said. “By the time you meet in person, you know if it’s worth your time.”
House encourages daters to go on three dates (even if you’re not feeling “it” right away) and to use the 3H strategy: head, then heart, then hormones. That means starting with curiosity and conversation, then building emotional and physical intimacy over time.
“By dating head-first, you’re allowing curiosity to be activated, creating opportunities for connective conversations — and within these conversations, the slow burn begins,” House said. “You are now interested to learn more, so you go on a second date.”
On the second date, she recommends connecting on numerous levels to help the slow burn continue — such as breaking the touch barrier to physically connect through an extended hug or maybe even a kiss. By the third date, she said you should start to feel “something that continues to make you want more... and if you don’t by then, I recommend you move on.”
‘Slow Burns’ Come With Red Flags, Too
But not every slow-moving romance is a slow burn. Sometimes it can mask emotional unavailability. Like in my case, my slow burn went on for six months until it flamed out after physical intimacy.
“Some people use ‘slow burn’ as a scapegoat to string someone along when they’re not truly interested,” House said. “Others genuinely take longer to open up, but it’s important to recognize when someone is avoidant or not ready for connection,” she adds.
The difference? Progress. “Every date and conversation should be building. If it stalls with no growth, it may be time to move on.” That was my biggest indicator that what I was experiencing was in fact, not, a slow burn. There were more stops than starts; our conversations started to dwindle. There were no talks of future meetups. I wondered if it was because he was really taking things slow, or if there was something else amiss.
Which is why if you or the other person is slowing the pace, it’s key to communicate that you want to take things slow, House adds, as well as to ask questions, so there’s no confusion about your intentions.
“It’s important to let your match know you are interested in them and that you are interested in slowly learning about each other,” she said. “It’s too easy to quickly make assumptions and jump to your own conclusions when you don’t have enough information. A lack of information activates the other person’s imagination to fill in the blanks. They might assume you are not interested, or that you only want a pen pal, if you aren’t immediately going on a date. Let them know you would love to get to know them a little bit more on the app before taking the next step of having a phone date and then an in-person date.”
So...Does It Actually Work?
Yes, all three experts agree that this does work — but it works best when both people are aligned in what they want.
“When you take your time getting to know someone, letting it burn slowly and naturally, your commitment is even stronger,” Kobrin said.
For Molinario, going slow led to a thriving marriage. “Taking it slow gave [me and my partner] a solid foundation. We built our connection on honesty and emotional safety from the beginning. That made everything else easier later on.”