It's April and Confederate History Month celebrations seem to be all the rage these days, especially in the governors' mansions of Virginia and Mississippi. But how can you make sure your party is the talk of your militia? Here are a few suggestions, hints and tips to help you become the most Confederatin' guy or gal in the compound.
Include special guests, guests whose stories somehow tie into the story of the Confederacy.
The Washington Generals
The Generals are the legendary rivals of the Harlem Globetrotters. Where's Harlem, you ask? Oh, don't worry about that, it's likely not on any of your most current maps; it's changed since your great-great-grandfather's buggy rode into town looking for a quick opium exchange with the Dutch. Not only will the Generals make your party very, somewhat, almost sporty, their pasty white skin will serve (not that kind of servitude, silly!) as a natural reflector, saving you from having to break the bank with extensive party lighting.
Other special guests to consider:
Wile E. Coyote
The Chicago Cubs
Confederate History Month parties are all about the "good ol' days," so consider bringing in a few appropriate sponsors that not only convey that idea, but also alleviate the burden on your finances.
Remember those nostalgic commercials, grandpas giving their grandchildren sweet candies, taking them back to a time when paying your labor force was almost too much work to bear? The only option was to relax with a gradually dissolving piece of caramel. "But weren't Werther's delicious caramels started in Germany in the 1900's?" you ask. Why, yes they were, but I'm sure you and your Confederate party-goers can find some common ground with the historically docile people of Germany.
Other sponsors to consider:
No More Tears Shampoo
Just because you lost the Civil Bowl doesn't mean you and your guests can't go to Dixieland!
"Dixie" was a traditional song of the Confederacy, so don't be stingy with the Dixie. How many Dixies can you cram into a Confederate History Month party? Oh gosh, that depends on how flexible and open to it you are. True Confederates would love nothing more than to wrap their mouths around an extended Dixie. If you're looking for lyrics, the song also goes by the name "I Wish I Was In Dixie," but until this party reaches its full climax, you won't know how many Dixies are inside you!
Sustaining themselves on the mere strength of their treasonous will won't tide your guests over until the South can someday rise again. Did someone say Dixie cups?!
Robert E. & Sara Lee Pie
Combine Confederate history with your favorite fruit to create this marriage of flavorful ideals. While you're at it, why not whip up a batch of those delicious Black & White cookies? Oh, you don't have any dark frosting? Heh, I thought not. WINK. White & White cookies it is!
Other food to consider:
Long Live the Confricassee!
Appearance meant a lot to the Confederacy, so don't abolish the idea of party decorations!
With internet merchandising, Confederate flags can be put on anything these days, from baby bibs to Texas textbooks to pesky American flags. There's never such a thing as too many Confederate flags, and anyone who says different is probably a black person. They might even be a black person hiding inside a white person's body. It's not impossible! Remember those science articles that guy from your local church bazaar printed out? That's right, the alien abductee guy! Who are you going to trust when it comes to science, the liberal government, or a church-going friend who's actually been to space?
Other decorations to consider:
Confetti (spell it Confede!)
Remember, Confederate History Month parties are all about having fun in the spirit of southern pride. Be organized, be creative, but most of all, be thorough. Because the last thing you want to do in celebration of Confederate History Month is omit or overlook any critical information regarding life in the south during the Confederacy!