So I was looking back on this article I wrote a few years back and noticed there are very few things that are much different as I ponder my goals for 2018. Perhaps this means I never accomplished what I needed to, or perhaps I am, like everyone else, simply a work in progress. Figuring it out is just half the battle, but it definitely is the most important part. 2017 has been marked for me by an endeavor, which I must admit was much more challenging and fulfilling than anything I have ever done before, caring for my terminally ill Mom. It gave me that up close and personal lesson in “life is short” and a literal lesson in “appreciate every breath you take” as Mom struggled to do the very thing we all thankfully take for granted. She died in March after a courageous battle with ALS. I took a whole bunch of necessary time off from this difficult practice to take my turn at full-time nursing (the world’s most undervalued profession, in my opinion). I learned to live without sleep, juggle kids, marriage, friendships, and my own physical and mental health. I did not always do anything well. I became a better lawyer through this I am certain, but most importantly, I became a better person.
Yes, I am still working on this “putting people back together thing” and although it remains the world's worst business model, I am a believer that love (sometimes) conquers all. I still make a living when it all falls apart. The messier it is, the more money I make, that is certain. But I am not interested in messy. I am interested in helping people move on with grace and dignity. So I will continue to share my articles, which are for the most part comprised of the small changes in perspective that can make your relationship look valuable again. I will write more as a gift to those who will experience divorce this year, and those who might put it back together. Sometimes it is the really big, hard, unfixable problems that lead you into my office; but most of the time, it is a culmination of the little stuff that eats slowly away at the integrity of our relationships, including mine. So this year, I will continue the effort to save a few marriages, (including my own), and if they don't work out, help people move on with peace. So here's hoping I can make it past February with the following resolutions. You might notice not one of these resolutions involve the gym or swearing off cookies.
1. I will continue to love out loud.
I watched my Mom slip away after many months of a devastating illness. I am absolutely sure as I write this that she knew I loved her. I was able to tell her and most importantly, show her. I sacrificed for her because she had given so much to all of us and it was simply the least I could do. There is a huge blessing in being given the gift of time to say goodbye, but I learned there is just never enough time. In reality, no one guarantees us one more minute of time on this earth. So this year, I will continue to "love out loud" to honor my Mom and the too many others I lost this year. I will try to set an example for my children. I will not await one more tragedy or diagnosis. I will love out loud because my husband should know that even on our worst days, I still love him more than he will ever know. I will let my Dad know I am grateful for all he has sacrificed, and how he has shown me love through his sacrifices. There are no words to express how much I love my friends and family, but I will continue to seek with purpose to find them. When I can't find the words, I will show it with my actions. I will continue to say thank you, often, for big things and small ones, to both strangers and friends. I will try not to ever assume that someone knows I love them as deeply as I do and realize that everyone needs to be "loved out loud." Although this one was not number one in my informal "poll," it is the one resolution that I am going to work on with a valiant effort. So look out, it is going to be a mushy year for some of you, especially my oldest, who simply hates to be hugged.
2. I will remember to value time as a precious commodity.
I asked a few close friends what their New Year's resolutions would be for their relationships in 2018, and still the unequivocal winner was "more time." So, make time, find time, do what you need to do, but if you want to stay the hell out of my office in 2018, time together is crucial. Where do we find it, I wondered? There is never enough of it to get it all done. What takes it from us? Reality TV, mindless searching on the Internet, work, laundry? Perhaps the best answer is simply saying yes to everyone but our partner. I am always saying yes to clients, to carpools, to volunteering, and this leaves us less time for those we love. I will say “no” more. When I was a younger lawyer, my boss had a client who demanded something be done for him immediately, and while my boss was out of the office on vacation with his children. His reply to this client's phone call was simply, "this time is not for sale," and although in the moment, I did not fully understand the largeness of this statement, today, I try to remember it whenever the time begins to slip away from my children's childhood into billable hours. I will try to remember to value Time above all else as the real gift to my husband and children. I will let the laundry pile up, a bit, and realize it will all get done... eventually. I will not waste it and I will guard it as I get older there is less of it for sure. I will share my time with those who add value to our lives, who make us feel loved and make us laugh till it hurts. I will let go of the need to control and delegate to get more time. I will be grateful for the help I receive and not critical. Time my dear friends is the one thing you cannot get more of no matter how much money you have. Just ask my Mom.
3. I will be more present.
People used to leave work on Friday and go home to enjoy the weekend; now work is with us wherever we go. I will set boundaries, no email checking after a certain hour, enjoy a lovely dinner without checking in on Facebook. This year my phone will stay in my purse. I am simply not that important. I will spend less time on the Internet (after catching up on all you need on Huffington Post, of course). Make time to be still with each other, listen to music that reminds you of summertime, hold hands, talk about your future. Listen, really listen, with your heart to what people are saying. Respond to let them know they are heard. Enjoy the sound of little footsteps in your house; breathe in the smell of flowers, cut grass and babies. Realize this moment will never come again, and be in it, all in. I am working hard at saying yes to playing Barbies on the floor with my 7 year old and not responding with my usual “after I do XYZ.” She won’t want to do this forever, the moment is now.
4. I will accumulate less stuff
Stuff will not make you happier, this I know for certain, as I have seen it play out many, many times over the past 24 years of being a lawyer. Watching my Mom leave this world, really gave me a new perspective on what matters. Some of her stuff had travelled far and wide, through a lifetime of moves, but in the end it was not what brought her joy. I rid my house of lots of stuff to make way for Mom’s things. I do not miss one thing I got rid of, but everyday I miss my Mom terribly. Despite this painful lesson, I must admit I remain as susceptible as the next person to falling into the trap of buying what I just don't need. I still spoil my kids. I still buy them stuff they don't need, and take from them the opportunity to learn and grow each time I just hand over something they could save and work for. I have had a job since I was 15 years old and everything good that I have, I have had to work for. I will stop trying to connect my success as a parent to providing more crap to my kids, thereby robbing them of the chance to learn life is hard -- so you need to work hard to get what you need. I will not attempt to assuage my working mom guilt with stuff. I will work more on this in 2018, as it is my biggest failure as a Mom.
I will try to spend less, because it will make our lives easier, give us more time and make my husband (and me) less stressed. I will show him that I really mean it when I say as long as we have each other the rest of it is just stuff. I will save because I have children's colleges, rainy days, and because someday soon I will be old; it happens to us all, if we are lucky. So goodbye 2017 and all those clothes I might wear if I ever decide to paint the house….
5. I will give up the martyr act. (Ok, I might just tone it down a notch)
Ok this one has been on my list every year and still, here I am, working on it. I learned the hard way that we all need help as my Mom was dying I simply could not do it all alone. I got help and it was not easy to let it happen as it goes against my fundamental nature. As I saw my Mom’s independence slip away, I saw she asked for help not just for herself but because she saw I needed it. She gave up her independence for me, to save me. I now have been better at asking for what I need before I get completely overwhelmed. I love Christmas, I always have, it was always full of those perfect holidays' memories. Even when my parents divorced, my mom always made sure it was special, and once a year I felt joy like no other time in my childhood. I admit I am Christmas season obsessed, and yes, I admit, I have left the tree up until it became a fire hazard in February (or March, since I’m being honest). Over the holidays, I realized two things: first, that I was still running around unnecessarily like a crazy person, having a complete meltdown from the stress of it all because Christmas was not going to "be perfect" if I did not get the cards done, the cookies done, the house perfectly cleaned (which was just something short of utter failure as a wife and mother), and second, that I am married to someone I really don't deserve, who is actually willing to help me carry on this particular Christmas obsession; I simply needed to ask. Doing it all myself and then complaining about it is not the Christmas present anyone wanted. So for 2018, it will still be a goal of less martyr, more mess and loving my perfectly imperfect self.
6. I will be accountable for my own happiness and forgive myself.
I will try in 2018, to be accountable for my own happiness by remembering to be grateful for the amazing blessings I have and not focusing on what is missing or the stuff I didn’t get done. I will work at forgiving myself for my perceived failings as a daughter, caretaker, mom and wife. I will know I always do the best I can and give it all with love. That is enough. It has to be because it is all I have. I will try not to complain about becoming older as I turn the big 50, by remembering it is a privilege denied to too many others. I will try not to complain about work and recognize I am lucky to have a job. I will do what I can to choose happiness, even when it is not the easy choice. I will remember this life is full of more laughter than tears, unlimited beauty to behold and opportunity to love and be loved every day. Perspective is reality, and I will try to make 2018 the year I keep mine squarely in check.
The list could go on, but having never made it past February on any gym membership I have ever purchased, I am sticking to the ones essential to my soul. Off the record, I will try to drink a little more wine with friends and laugh at least once a week so hard it makes me cry. May 2018 be the year you find love, keep love close or let it go with grace and dignity.
© Krista Barth 2017