The Real Christmas Grinch

Did you know that "Help Save Christmas" ® is a registered trademark of Liberty Counsel (Reg.No. 3,273,650)? It's true. If anyone tries to print "Help Save Christmas" ® without noting Liberty Counsel's trademark on the phrase, they just might sue you.

That's not all.

Those caring lawyers over at Liberty Counsel have also registered "I [heart] Christmas." ® Reg.No. 3,273,656.

In another burst of tough love, the Alliance Defense Fund has now officially trademarked "Merry Christmas. It's okay to say it. ™" Sort of makes you afraid to say it, doesn't it?

I'm not making this up.

So be careful what you say.

The Christmas Enforcers, who have been selling the myth of a supposed 'war on Christmas' for years now are on the loose again. They are going to make you take just the right dose of Christmas. Hold the cheer.

For the past few years, having forgotten the real "spirit of Christmas," a rag-tag bag of Politically Correct Christmas Crusaders have taken upon themselves the role of patrolling stores and byways to see who is saying "Merry Christmas" in just the right way and making a list of who should be punished.

The Christmas Enforcers have - really! - started "making a list" of stores that "are naughty and nice." (Careful here Enforcers - Santa might follow your lead and sue you for Claus Infringement)

For these lawyers, it turns out that being a "naughty" store has nothing to do with unfair employment practices or selling products that are harmful to the environment. "Naughty" means that they wish their Jewish and Muslim and Buddhist customers "happy holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas." (O! Torquemada!)

And for a store to be placed on the "nice" list does not mean that it gives a portion of its profits to the sick and needy. It means having "Christmas all over the stores and TV ads." Yikes!

Of course they have not forgotten that they can also make a few bucks off selling fear.

For any donation of $25.00 or more, the Enforcers at Liberty Counsel will send you two buttons and "the legal memoranda that helped save Christmas."

The "American Family Association" will sell 500 buttons in bulk to help save Christmas against the naughty stores for only $500.00.

Over at the Alliance Defense Fund, they will sell you their "Christmas Package" with two buttons and a pamphlet for just $29.00 (postage and handling not included).

(You do the math, but it sounds like a bargain to buy buttons in bulk - as long as you don't need a legal memorandum.)

As one of the Christmas Enforcers' leading swat teams says of itself: "Liberty Counsel Goes on the Offensive to Defend Christmas Celebrations." I couldn't agree more. They have now indeed gone - their word not mine -- "offensive."

The ACLU wishes a Merry Christmas - quickly, before the phrase is trademarked! - to all those who celebrate the holiday, including the Enforcers. And the warmest of season's greetings to everyone.