The Seven Songs to Wreck a Karaoke Session

The drinks are flowing and the room is dark. The glow of video monitors lights the room with an eerie flicker. The screen populates with a few lines of lyrics—then the music begins. Soon a vacationing barber from Boise will butcher a Bon Jovi song, all the while believing he possesses the pipes of Pavarotti.

We’ve all found ourselves in such a karaoke crisis. In these dark haunts the vocally challenged can have their American idle moment, performing ancient hits for a panel of intoxicated judges that truly don’t care. You’ve been there. Sometimes even the crowd joins in, as you cringe at the new verbs added to Mony Mony or the godless resurrection of Sweet Caroline.

I’ve explored the gooey depths of the karaoke experience, and have even been known to poison ears with my own renditions of Barry Manilow’s Mandy, Orbison’s In Dreams, or Elvis’ Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love.

Then it hit me. Is there value in having a set of songs chambered that may be weaponized with the intent of derailing the karaoke experience? Could I define a suite of audio buzzkills that when performed well, bring the booze-soaked joy of off-key standards to a screaming halt?

Here I present a forbidden song catalog that will suck the air out of a karaoke party.

7. Wango Tango – Ted Nugent - The Motor City Madman’s zest for flesh punctuates this raunchy romp down testosterone lane. The central lyric of “Wango Tango” tastefully explores his interests in copulation, complete with an extended post-guitar-solo bridge where he rambles through an obtuse description a sexual conquest. He provides discussion, steeped in nuance and metaphor as only Terrible Ted can bring. You’ll karaoke through pretending your face is a Maserati, “buffing the hood scoop”, and getting a “belly propped down, and the butt propped up”-- lyrics that taught me in seventh grade that it is possible to prop something down. The karaoke screen also answers the long-unanswered question—does he really say, “Salami legs”?

6. Hell is for Children – Pat Benatar - Few topics flip a joyful mood on its tail like a creepy dredge through the horrors of child abuse. If you like a slow grind through the world’s most depressing lyrics, Hell is for Children is your ticket. The song does not mince words. A few unfortunate souls do not endure the pain of child abuse and its long-lasting psychological ramifications. Hell is for Children, all children, every last one of the little booger eaters. The most creepy lyrics might be “Be daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing, be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy, tell grandma you fell from the swing.” The song has extended breaks and musical interludes, so you can internalize how awful the lyrics truly are. The best part is that it ends with about 2:16 of repeating, “HELL- HELL IS FOR CHILDREN” over and over again. In a recent performance I had the entire room screaming “HELL – HELL IS FOR CHILDREN” in unison, and it was truly scarie-okie.

5. Christine Sixteen - KISS – Penned in 1977 by Gene Simmons, he was pushing the ripe old age of 28 as he jotted down the lyrics of stalking a female half his age. Christine Sixteen includes lyrics that are just as simple and uncreative as they are wrong – “She drives me crazy, I want to give her all I got, she’s hot every day and night, there is no doubt about it.” But the thing that really poops the party is the middle of the song where Simmons speaks out in statutory rap, “Well I don’t normally say things to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of school that day, that day I knew, I got to have her, got to have her.” Then while you’re digesting that slime sandwich during an Ace Frehley guitar solo, the song re-emerges into a KISS chorus of, “I’ve been around, but she’s young and clean, I got to have her, can’t live without her.”

4. Baby Its Cold Outside -- Various Couples -- Karaoke duets are always the lowlight of the night. Not much worse than a set of tone deaf stewed prunes bookending this duet about false imprisonment and coercion. Back when Dean Martin sang this to Doris Day “no” obviously meant “make me a drink” and shame me into staying somewhere I don’t want to be. An online video version connects a visual component fit for harassment training.

3. Every Breath You Take - The Police – There is absolutely nothing wrong with this song as it exists in its pure form. But when you perform the lyrics in the voice of a deranged maniac it is a real show stopper. When sung in the key of hostility the song becomes a creepy tale of stalking. “Every breath you take, every move you make… I’ll be watching you… Can’t you see, you belong to me? My poor heart aches with every breath you take.” As long as she’s still breathing he’s still heartsick. These are the sentiments of the jilted psycho, the kind of guy you ironically might meet in a karaoke bar. I realized a long time ago that if I recited the lyrics of this song while sharpening knives, they actually came out a lot sharper.

2. In the Ghetto – Elvis Presley – Set in Chicago, the story of an impoverished single mother as she watches her son grow up fighting and stealing, you know, ghetto stuff. Aside from its not-so-subtle racist overtones the song is depressing, as a mother watches her grown child buy guns, steal cars, engage in other ghetto stuff, and eventually end up dead in the street. And his momma cried.

1. You’re Sixteen, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine (dammit!) – Johnny Burnette / Ringo Starr -- If you want to make skin crawl and watch karaokeing parents call home to check on the kids, load this one and perform it with a fond smile! It is impossible to get through this song without mean looks, and the desire to grab a Silkwood Shower afterwards. Here’s a taste: “You come on like a dream, peaches and cream, lips like strawberry wine, you're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine! You're all ribbons and curls, ooh, what a girl, eyes that sparkle and shine, you're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine!” It is much more creepy when you watch the 1978 YouTube video where a bearded Ringo Starr serenades a 22-year-old Carey Fisher, posing as a sixteen year old.