The Struggles of Adulting and Dating

Love Love Love….that giddy feeling in your stomach and weakness in your knees. That really fun thing where we wear our vulnerability like a new outfit and hope that no one spills anything on it…because how can we return the outfit in good condition if it has red wine on it?! That awesome thing we do, where we turn that uneasy feeling in our gut to mean “this must be true love,” instead of when it’s actually telling us, “he’s an axe murderer, cat kidnapping, double dipping freak,” run like hell and don’t look back.”

Love is hard. Dating is even harder. You have to have the thickest skin, think turtle shell strength, in order to date these days. I’m not going to lie…things are tough. I mean, it’s a hot mess and real struggle. I’m not some bitter person who hates love, hates men and hates happy couples. Quite the opposite actually. I love, love. But I also know that things have changed. Here’s why:

~Trump. Yes. I sure did make that my first example. It’s 2017 and now there are those of us, who have to put fucking Trump in the equation. Trump is a deal breaker. Trump can break up any chances of a future relationship. Welcome to the current situation that feels like the twilight zone, where I have to either hope you don’t have a Make America Great Again hat tucked somewhere in your closet or find a way to ask you who you voted for, so I can pull the rip cord before the bread basket and water comes out. Yep. I’m judging. Yep. I’m using your political choice against you. Yep. I give zero fucks. Yep. I’m not sorry.

~Dating Apps. I was always raised to believe that the grass IS NOT greener on the other side. Well…thanks to the many asshole apps in the world…now the grass is not only greener, but it’s taller, softer, easier to trim, and takes less water. Dating apps are that girl that comes along and steals the man (you never had) right out from under your nose. Except, it offers endless options…more than the eye can swipe. How the hell can you even compete with that.

~Social Media. It’s that dysfunctional platform where all is aired. It also makes for uncomfortable and painful moments. Are you with me? One day you are posting pictures to show the world how in love you are. Two months later. A couple of sad quotes pop up about true love and how undeserving they are. Followed by the uncomfortable “status change.” You know…where you relive your breakup and sadness, because now you have to change your status to “single” all while you’re telling yourself through anger and tears, that you will never change your relationship status on Facebook ever again. Only to get back together a couple more times..and a status change up to “it’s complicated.” Now everyone secretly thinks you are an idiot and should probably just stop posting and deactivate. Yeah. Social media. A way to brag, grieve in public, look like a fool and spy and be spied on.

~Emojis. I am 100% guilty of this too. Farewell are the days when you would get a handwritten note passed to you in study hall…hello are the days where you are now telling me how you feel about me with your impeccable use of smiley faces and telling me what you want to do to me with fruits and vegetables. Eggplant will never look the same ever again. Making me piece together and translate your emojis like I’m reading hieroglyphics. I get it. Every emotion you could ever want are conveniently at your fingertips in a little creepy yellow head, whose eyes have been taken out and replaced with hearts. But I still fall for it every time. So thank you emojis for making it easy for people to tell you their feelings and thoughts in the most impersonal way ever. Fan-fucking-tastic 😍😳.

~Magicians. Yeah. You heard me right. Fucking card flipping, body sawing, Houdini loving magicians. But amateurs. And dicks. This might be one of the biggest diseases plaguing the dating scene these days. The vanishing act. What the fuck is this? It is one of two things. 1). Your magician doesn't have the balls to text, call, write an email, send a telegram, or even a messenger on a donkey. 2). Your magician thinks his magic is so magical that he doesn't need to contact you and let you know, because he's fucking too magical for you. He's an ass hat. In the days of social media, email and text, there is no excuse for this. Oh no. Not for these cool magicians. But that's ok. They aren't worth it.

~Wedding game. Ok…I’m getting ahead of myself…but this is actually a very real issue. You start planning your wedding…and then this is when the problem kicks in. All of your friends, or maybe just the YouTube videos you watch, shows everyone bringing their A-game to their wedding. What happened to the days of family, friends, flowers, cake, dinner, alcohol and dancing? Oh no. That’s not what goes down these days. No, you better fucking bring it. I’m talking a make your friends so jealous, first dance routine, that it makes you a YouTube hit. Gone are the days of even photo booths. It’s either Cirque Du Soleil or a dance and singing number that even the cast of glee is jealous of. There’s a lot of pressure these days. It’s ridic.

I could probably keep going with this list, and who knows, maybe I will add to it as time goes on. Love is hard. Finding it can feel daunting. But in the end…the right kind of love is the shit.

#love #dating #relationships #women #voice #comedy #humor #socialmedia