I need you to hear me out even though you may not like what I’m going to say. The thing is, I really care about you. I know his crew is constantly telling you otherwise, when they catch a breath from their incessant trashing of my concerns and me, but it’s the truth. It would be so much easier not to get into this. But I just can’t let it go.
I want you to break up with him.
I know you’ll say we’ve been down this road before. I couldn’t get over that he lied to you from the very beginning. I made arguments in vain; we both said things about each other’s person that we aren’t proud of now; our friendship was strained to a torturous point . . . and then you married him anyway.
And you wanted me to be glad for you, to celebrate with you, to give him a chance. The fact that I acted like I was in mourning and refused to acknowledge your happiness furthered our already gaping divide. I’m sorry if you feel like I didn’t show the proper respect. You’re probably right about that.
But now there’s no denying where this thing has landed. It gives me no pleasure in being right about him. Another thing you might not believe: I would’ve loved to have been proven wrong. But the only thing wrong is this relationship.
He is using you.
Your decency and respectability gives him legitimacy, even though he gleefully trashes those traits every day. Your admirable life-long passions are his passing playthings. He embraces them to the extent that he can use them for his own purposes but it’s clear he doesn’t really care about them; he can’t even consistently pretend to. He won’t even try.
He disrespects you.
When I think of how you’ve lived your life, the moral compass that has guided you, the beautiful faith that has sustained you, it makes me want to cry watching how he makes a mockery of those things. He takes pleasure in upsetting the apple cart of a peaceful, honest, productive existence. That seemed exciting before – he was an irreverent and electric rebel – but being in an adult committed relationship requires a different approach, one with dignity and purpose.
He is dangerous.
His reckless and aggressive outbursts are getting more and more agitated. There are consequences for these actions. I know you still see the good in him; you want to think that those good things can outweigh the bad things. You want to think that he can change. Of course people can change – if they think they need to. But he never takes responsibility for any mistake; whenever he is called out he seems determined to double down on his unfortunate exploits.
It’s getting worse.
I’ve tried to think of how I’d want to hear this, if the shoe was on the other foot. I can tell you that I’ve experienced a similar betrayal, and it was heartbreaking. I am so sorry that this is happening. But it is, and I can’t watch the daily assaults on you and all you care about in silence any more.
Please, please break up with him. I promise he doesn’t deserve you.