What the Groupon Cat Should Have Said, Were it Not Such a P*ssy

After a couple weeks of virtual waterboarding by just about everyone from mainstream media to "recovering journalists" to an army of bloggers, Groupon used its blog for something of a response.

The critics filled the mandated Quiet Period with all kinds of noise about unhappy local businesses victimized by the Groupon model to deconstructed formulas demonstrating how the Groupon numbers add up to poorer local merchants and a very rich Daily Deals company.

On the blog "Groupon the Cat, slouching majestically across a cloud of pure wisdom," doles out wisdom to all the Goupies.

The Cat meowed:

The "Quiet Period" is the time right before a company "goes public," during which it is legally prohibited from saying anything to the press that may make the company look "good," "successful," or "not currently on fire." During this sensitive time, it is the duty of the press to force the adolescent company through a series of brutal hazing rituals, designed to desensitize it to public criticism. This tough love helps the naively optimistic company to thicken its skin, atrophy its soul, and finally grow up into a real corporation.

Groupon the Cat mentioned several morsels of what companies in a quiet period can expect from people raining hate (or logic) while the company is tied and gagged by mandated silence. I've offered an interpretation:

WHAT CAT SAID: Wait until the company is sleeping to smear scream-activated bees on its face. Lesson Learned: Don't believe your company's own "buzz."
WHAT CAT MEANT TO SAY: Take the names of all who belittle you and hide in the bush for right time to pounce and claw their bloody eyes out.

WHAT CAT SAID: Photoshop the company's logo to appear to be shaking hands with James Buchanan, America's worst president. Lesson Learned: Everything you see or read about a company is true, if it's on a computer.
WHAT CAT MEANT TO SAY: Take pictures of all who belittle and Photoshop them inside Cat's mouth, speared by bloody incisors.

WHAT CAT SAID: Kick sand in the company's face. Lesson Learned: If the company survives, it's time to move on to sand's close relative, powdered glass.
WHAT CAT MEANT TO SAY: Take faces of all who belittle and grind them open-mouthed in the moist bloody center of Cat's litter box.

WHAT CAT SAID: Write disparaging articles about the company. Lesson Learned:That's what they get for trying to be a company.
WHAT CAT MEANT TO SAY: Never try. Instead, take a long afternoon nap and wait for someone else to invent stuff. Then claw their bloody fucking eyes out.