You Are Not Enough

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Brene Brown

I probably shouldn’t be sharing this on the Huffington Post, but there are a lot of things I probably shouldn’t be doing, currently. It is how I find myself opening doors and being lead down paths I could never have discovered behaving appropriately. So here it goes, yesterday I was at synagogue, for the Jewish New Year, and was listening to the rabbi’s kick-ass wife, Ruchi Koval, drop some knowledge. When she speaks-God whispers to me. And what I heard was that I need to think deeply about my purpose. And that I need to pay attention to the signs around me. The whisper of my soul is that I must work on the darkness within myself. Message received.

Yesterday morning, as I was running and listening to Oprah talking to the author of one of my favorite go-to-growth books (The Four Agreements) again I heard the whisper. I am not being impeccable with my word. Message received. I am impeccable with my soul when it comes to dealing with others. I show up. I do what I say I’m going to do. And, for the most part, I am living a pretty authentic life. Messy, but real. But I am failing at being impeccable with my word to MYSELF. I don’t practice what I preach. When I am talking with other friends, I tell them that they need to be gentle with self. I tell them that they need to look and see what else they can take off their plate. I ask them why don’t they think that they’re enough, as is. But I don’t do this with myself. I don’t take my own advice. I am non-compliant.

What do I mean? I am so hard on myself, internally, that if someone else spoke to me, asked of me and expected me to do the things I ask of myself, I would unfriend her on Facebook and steer clear of her at school pick-up. What does it look like? Petty stuff. Mean and tough, drill Sergeant like stuff. Body stuff, weight stuff, food stuff, chores stuff, parenting stuff, career stuff, family stuff, happiness stuff. The restrictions I place on myself, the rules and the relentless need to be doing, achieving, growing, being are just simply too high. The list never ends.

The message I hear is that it is time to let my inner Carly unravel. Not unravel in a way that a hospital stay will be involved, but unravel in a way that my belly will no longer hurt all the time and my chest won’t feel like I’m having a mini-heart attack.

One of my soul brothers tells me, “permission to be human,” and I truly want to live permission to be human on every level. Yet, I struggle. I hear her voice snap back, “Well if you are ‘gentle’ with yourself and you ‘remove something off your plate’ who is going to pick up the slack?”

Today, I am finally ready to answer back, “This is not a race. There are no door prizes for maximum number of laundry loads completed and dishwashers loaded and unloaded. This is your life. You only get this very short and precious life. What are you going to do with it?”

At my core, gun to my head, I know my truth. I am perfect, as is. I am a perfect child of God and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change that title. I have nothing to prove. I need no approval. I am enough. As is, I am enough. I am a soul. This is my body. I am a soul. This is my life. And so are you. What are you going to do with this one precious life?

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