I've had my heart broken a bunch of times. To be fair, I'm sure I've bruised a few hearts as well. Love can be confusing, and it's hard to know if what you're feeling is really real.
After a recent breakup, I found relationship expert, Jane Garapick, and her blog, Getting to True Love. She writes mostly for straight women, but regardless of gender, I found her advice to be compassionate, simple and very helpful. I asked Jane to give a little advice to us gay ladies. So, here are 6 questions to determine if she's the one for you.
1. Is she emotionally unavailable?
One of the more commonly experienced tell-tale signs of someone who is emotionally unavailable is that she may come on so strong in the beginning before any real authentic vulnerability is expected, only to disappear in a heartbeat as soon as the pressure is on to produce the real thing behind the words and actions of that impassioned beginning.
2. Is she ready to commit?
You can't make anyone commit to you if they don't want to for themselves. This is a trap that so many of us fall into. We think if we can just be more of what we think someone wants us to be, that everything will suddenly change and they will commit to us the way we want them to. Believe what she says, observe what she does, and remember that actions always say so much more than words.
Talk to her about the level of commitment that you're looking for, and set your own time limit for how long you're willing to wait to get to that level. In the meantime, keep living your own life and know when enough is enough. And remember that if she really is the one for you, it will happen -- even if you choose to let go.
3. Should she pursue me?
Someone who's right for you and truly wants to be with you will always pursue you. They won't be afraid to show an interest in you and to make sure you know that they're interested in you. If you're always the one doing the chasing, you're not allowing the space for someone to pursue you.
When you come from a place of high self-esteem where you know your own worth and you're confident of who you are and just how much you have to offer someone who's worthy of you, you won't need to chase after anyone. You'll be in the position of knowing that you're doing the choosing.
4. How long does it take to know if she's right for me?
You won't know overnight.
It takes time, real time of a real relationship where you're getting to know each other gradually. But the slower you take things, and the more time and effort you put into really getting to know who she is and what she's really like and whether the qualities she possesses are consistent over time, you'll know that she's the right one for you. It's her actions, it's who she is, more than any words or promises she offers you, that will tell you the truth about just how compatible the two of you truly are.
5. We fight all the time. Does that mean she's not right for me?
It's in the tone of the fighting, the unspoken nuances within the fighting where you know the fights are about more than just disagreements or different ways of seeing the same thing. It's in what goes on the rest of the time. It's in what that little voice inside you -- your intuition -- is trying to tell you in ways that will resonate with who you are and where you are right now.
And while there is something beautiful about learning from each other and teaching each other so that you both can grow and be stretched to become so much more than you could otherwise be, if more of your time together is spent in the fight instead of in the love, it's time to evaluate what you're really getting out of the relationship.
6. What does "true love" feel like?
Don't let the sparks and the fireworks and the illusion that it's all about the physical attraction and butterflies in your stomach tell you that she's the one.
It's not about that.
It's about who she is and what she brings to you, and what you bring to her. It's about how you feel when you're with her, and more importantly, how you feel about her when you're not. You'll know her because she'll be grounded, real, reliable, open-minded, flexible, honest, committed, and kind.