First off, anyone who cries should be disqualified immediately. This is American Idol not Old Yeller! Syesha broke down this week. I forget why. Maybe it was when Paula was blowing sunshine up her skirt, telling her what a great star she is. Of course she also said that to Vonzell Solomon, Anthony Federov, Carmen Rasmussen, and Trenyce.
But I will give her this -- Syesha had the line of the night. Talking about why she chose to sing Sam Cooke's "A Change is Going to Come" she equated the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s to her journey on American Idol. Get real, Syesha! You had it so much harder.
I hate this week and next. There's no suspense. We know who's going to win. David Archuleta clinched that Tuesday night. The fun geezer mentors have all moved on to more drastic plastic surgery or their ninth comeback tours, we're past the actual "theme" shows (can anything beat last year's "Latin Night", which did more harm to U.S./Latin relations than the Spanish-American War), your favorite has been booted off, and the Fox celebrities in the audience have been reduced to the bald guy on Prison Break.
Tonight's theme was the "Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame Museum". (The producers must be getting a buck for every admission ticket sold this week.) This is such a narrow theme that "Baba O'Reilly" and "Love Me Tender" both qualified.
(Next year for the Top 4 why not make the theme the "4 Tops"? I'm just sayin'.)
David Archuleta's dad chose two very good songs for him. "Stand By Me" the 1962 Ben E. King hit that David just "happened" to sing all the time in his room, thus making him the only 17 year old in America who knows of that song. (Dad picked it, who we fooling?) And then "Love Me Tender" from the Rock n' Roll Museum's schmaltzy wing.
But not only did he sing both great, he out-sang David Cook -- and this was rock n' roll night. David Cook's milieu. It's like if there were "monosyllabic grunt night" you'd expect Jason Castro to do well. Or at least passable.
David Cook's two songs were "Hungry Like the Wolf", which was "Boring Like the Drying Paint" and "Baba O'Reilly" - better but hardly "kick ass". More like "accidentally brushing against ass".
Syesha's first tune was "Proud Mary". She thought she was doing Tina Turner, but she was really doing the road tour of "Ain't Misbehavin'". Her second song was "A Change is Going to Come". Sam Cooke originally sang it with a certain ease. Syesha almost brought her liver up through her throat.
And then there was Jason Castro. If American Idol were The Godfather Jason would be Fredo. This guy is an absolute disgrace. This week he massacred "I Shot the Sheriff" (adding the nice touch of having a guitar but never playing it) and then on "Mr. Tambourine Man" he not only killed it but then had sex with its empty skull. What does it say when he forgot some of the lyrics and that was the best part of his performance? Jason Castro has to go.
Next week I imagine is the tedious visits to the finalists' hometowns. The banners. The proclamations. The parades down Main Street and through the trailer parks.
Just announce that David Archuleta is the winner and let us get on with our sad pathetic lives already.
You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com