Last week my daughters came home from school and we were headed to Church School. We were catching up on the day and what was for lunch, chatting about if it was a good day or a hard one. My youngest daughter, Lucy, talked about a friend who was on Yellow that day, as she is most days. Lucy was being slightly mean about it, almost eye rolling and negative. Amelia piped in, "I have never gotten a Yellow day."
Let me back up. Most of the teachers in my girls' school use a clip up or clip down chart to monitor behavior and encourage good behavior. I think it is a good way for the student and teacher to assess the day -- and then understand that a new part of the day starts at home. Green is a good day -- ready to learn. Yellow is one below and the hope is through the day you clip up to purple and blue. There are consequences with each color below green. I think it is a helpful visual of accountability, others I am sure will disagree. A green day is a normal day, prepared, listening, kind to friends and being responsible, all parts of a normal and good day.
Amelia piping up all bold with, "I have never gotten a Yellow day" got me thinking, even annoyed. I stopped her right there. I told her Meme we all have yellow days. You have, in fact had yellow days. In kindergarten I was called by the principal, which I believe is a red day. I told her if she hasn't had a yellow day then I need to talk to her teachers; they are definitely favoring my perfect children. I told Lucy the same thing. She has had yellow days (that may or may not have warranted the forbidding of playing Ninja Turtles or Ninjago on the playground). Yellow days do not make you worse than other friends. Green days do not make you better. Purple days mean you had a special moment, a super kind or generous act. Those are not normal. Most of our days are green, some are yellow, some are red and once and a while we throw a purple into the mix and boom, that is real life. I told the girls that if a friend is on yellow a lot maybe, just maybe, they are a little too social or like to make you laugh; that friend might have a harder time sitting still than my girls. Some friends have needs that we don't understand and it is wrong to be mean to them for this. And often times a yellow day is just that: a day of not sitting still, being a little bossier than kind, ignoring the rules. Honestly, I am human and have yellow days all of the time. Green is good, I am thankful for green. Yellow is life. I feel thankful we have some. I feel a little bad for the momma's who get the calls a lot about behaviors, so often they are doing everything they can to push their kid to fit in and get those green days. Imagine every day your child fighting with himself to control a behavior and get a green. It is hard work to be normal and good. It is really hard work for some.
I encourage my girls to encourage their friends positively, putting them down will only make it worse. Encouragement builds people, constant criticism breaks them. It's hard to get to green if you always feel like a failure. I tell my girls to not laugh when those friends are acting out, sometimes it is the best encouragement to not acknowledge and pay attention to.
After last week I have this bit of my brain reminding me to share our humanness. I told those Musto Chicks, you are awesome and sometimes you are yellow. I love you anyway. If you come home on red and you hit your friend, or used unkind words -- you owe them an apology, and I love you anyway (try not to do it again). I remind them that at wake up or bus drop off the color is wiped clean. We can start over. A red day is done when the bus drops you off if you choose it. A hard, hard night of tantrums and mean words is done when the sun comes back up -- and I will love you anyway. I also told them that there are always consequences for things. If you are unkind to a friend or mean to a person, you always owe them an apology and they can choose what to do with it. If you cheat or steal or break something you have to carry the consequences, I will love you anyway.
I wanted them to know and feel and understand that we are all equal; we have different tools and skills and lessons and journeys. We are all here to be the best with what we have. I was that girl who never got to choose from the treasure box, be a good citizen or do the special jobs. I was chatty and needed extra work to keep me busy, I was what some would have described as a "yellow kid". I was bossy and loud. I rarely chalked it up to green (which was really three strikes with your name on a chalkboard back then). I was a good kid, I had different skills and tools. We all do. I don't want my girls to grow up thinking that we all need to be amazing and fantastic every day. I also know that this knowledge and support of our kids being human and real starts with us, parents.