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"Oh shit, I'm supposed to go find them..."— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) June 24, 2019
"The kids. We were playing hide and seek."
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify “with soap”— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 27, 2019
I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 23, 2019
[Day at the beach]— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 24, 2019
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: look at this cool record I just got— The Dad (@thedad) June 24, 2019
Me: its like a tape
Son: what's a tape
Me: like a CD
Son: what's a CD?
Me: i swear to God
My eight year old has started talking back and then saying (outloud) “hashtag roasted” and dabbing. Not one of the parenting books prepared me for this.— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 23, 2019
My son ate too many crackers, threw himself down on the couch & announced, “Well, now I know what it feels like to be pregnant.”— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 28, 2019
Sure, buddy. Sure.
After my kids fall asleep I peek into their rooms and think, “Why do these precious little people act like such assholes?”— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 27, 2019
My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.— Just J (@junejuly12) June 22, 2019
Day 2 of summer break: I can feel the aging process occurring in my body.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) June 26, 2019
As I buried my child in the sand at the beach, I realized I have matured so much as a parent but not enough to not give them sand-boobs.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 24, 2019
7-year-old: How do you get money when you don't have any more teeth for the tooth fairy?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2019
Me: You work.
7: That's a terrible idea.
“Portrait of a Televised Soccer Family When The Score is Tied”— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) June 26, 2019
Left Wife: YAY! A TIE! Isn’t it wonderful? Everyone is winning! I love the soccer!
Right Wife: %## $&”” %*#!
Child: You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime pic.twitter.com/RSA7kpYUvD
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 24, 2019
The only thing worse than paying $9 for a greeting card is paying $9 for a greeting card for a 3-year-old’s birthday party.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2019
My daughter made up a song.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 25, 2019
The refrain she is “people should give me more toys.”
I’m starting to think that I’m the “people” she’s singing about.
Me, tucking in 3 year-old: I love you to the moon and back.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 26, 2019
3: That's infinity, right?
Me: Actually, when I said that last night-
[Looks shakily over shoulder at Neil deGrasse Tyson cracking his knuckles]
-I was wrong.
[Neil deGrasse Tyson nods]
5yo: *crying* you never let me have any fun— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) June 25, 2019
wife: you were yelling at your sister
5yo: yeah, that’s fun
me: it is pretty fun
*Husband grabs a fruit roll-up from pantry*— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) June 27, 2019
Me: "Put it back. Those are for the kids."
As I watch my husband drive off from the window, I open a fruit roll-up, eat it, and relish in my victory.
Co-parenting?— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) June 26, 2019
That's when you raise your kids with the help of Netflix, right?