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How Does He Love He? Let Me Count the Ways

ABCNews.com ran a story yesterday about how to tell if your husband is gay. This was bound to be good, though probably not as funny as what Fox News would have come up with.
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ABCNews.com ran a story yesterday about how to tell if your husband is gay. This was bound to be good, though probably not as funny as what Fox News would have come up with ("look for small birth marks in the shape of Cher" or "see if he votes Democratic"). The reporter spoke to Bonnie Kaye, the author of Is He Gay? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder. In addition to this literary feat, Ms. Kaye runs the website gayhusbands.com on which she shares her own story of an ill-fated marriage, and tips on how to catch your mate looking at gay porn.

Besides sweeping generalizations such as, "people don't want to be gay," Ms. Kaye offers her patented checklist of ways to know whether or not your husband prefers the company of men.

1. If sexual activity steeply declines within the first few years of marriage.
2. If you're always more sexually aggressive than your husband.
3. If your husband is turned off by the thought of touching your vaginal area or performing oral sex on you.
4. If his best friend is gay.
5. If he is excessively homophobic, mocking and imitating other gay men.
6. If your husband thinks you are a nymphomaniac or "pushy and aggressive" because you want sex twice a week.
7. If he hangs out in gay bars.
8. If he enjoys watching gay porn movies and surfing gay porn Web sites.
9. If he brags about gay men complimenting him on his looks.

The first few happen in a lot of marriages -- if everyone who got less action after getting hitched dumped their spouse on gayness grounds, our divorce rate would be even higher. And let's be honest, a lot of men do not enjoy performing oral sex on women, that's why we invented feminism.

Number four would disqualify most of Manhattan from marriage. In truth, I find that straights who are able to be close to gay men are often more secure with their sexuality, which is why the next item on her list can be true. Homophobia can be a sign of projecting internal fear and hatred onto others; it can also be a sign of having seen Andrew Dice Clay perform.

Then it just gets weird -- if your husband is frequenting gay bars, do you really need Ms. Kaye to tell you he's "just not that into you?" Ditto the gay porn tip. She mind as well add "10. If you catch your husband fellating the pool boy." In fact, you can just skip the first six, if number seven is true don't waste time on the web, drive directly to the nearest divorce attorney.

This list is the perfect mix of the obvious, the absurd and the mundane. With that in mind shall we try to add to it? I'll get you started.

10. If he tends to tackle everyone, including his teammates, during games of touch football
11. If he gets upset when guys hit on you at bars because "you're getting all the attention"
12. If he arrives home to you dressed in a skimpy negligee draped across the bed and asks if those are new sheets