Unwed motherhood is a national disaster, say many pundits, the latest being Slate advice columnist Emily Yoffe. They argue that the uncoupling of motherhood and marriage has devastating effects on the kids, who, according to statistics, grow up poor, have behavior problems, drop out of school, have children out of wedlock themselves, and -- Yoffe left this last one out -- end up in prison.
Marriage is the answer, these critics say. But is it really that simple? Sure, I'm one of the traditionalists who think it's ideal to have two committed parents who are in a stable, loving relationship. But is lack of a marriage license so bad for kids that any kind of married parents are better than literally any kind of single one? And what about the thoughtless childbearing choices many married people make?
Let's take one classic example of bad procreational behavior, the woman in an unstable marriage who doesn't really want kids but thinks a baby might keep her husband from divorcing her. Lucky baby! And am I really the only one who knows people who are psychologically damaged because their parents stayed in a bad marriage or went through a contentious divorce? I think not.
What about the married couples who have kids either by accident or due to the intense social pressure to procreate, and then realize that actually, they don't really like kids too much and would rather focus on other pursuits? Know any adults who had parents like that? The kids get kind of messed up, don't they?
Unplanned, unconscious or irresponsible childbearing tends to damage kids, regardless of what pieces of paper have been signed. Add poverty and lack of education, and voila: the catastrophe that Yoffe describes. She's right that we need to focus more on the needs of the children. But a marriage license doesn't prevent childrearing catastrophes any more than a driver's license prevents people from driving drunk.
But wait a minute, what about all those grim single-mom statistics? They're bad, for sure, but they're mostly about families that have been either created by accident, or torn apart by trauma in the form of divorce, abandonment. Turns out that if you didn't really plan for the kid, and/or went through some major family trauma, your kid may not do too well -- especially if you're poor and uneducated. What a surprise!
There's another, newer, and at this point much smaller set of studies that look specifically at educated women who have thoughtfully chosen single motherhood. Some of the best are done by psychologist Susan Golombok, who directs the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge University.
Golombok has compared the donor-conceived children of single moms and lesbian couples to the kids of traditional heterosexual parents. Guess what? These extremely planned-for kids of straight single moms and lesbian moms do just fine, even when compared to the gold standard of married moms. Hmm... doesn't really fit the "marriage is the answer" argument. (By the way, I'll bet the kids of men who've chosen single fatherhood do well, too.)
Other studies done by people like Cornell psychology professor Peggy Drexler find the same thing -- that it isn't the number or sex or sexual orientation of the parents, it's the quality of the parenting that affects the outcomes of the kids.
So, if you think and plan before having a kid, and if you're a good parent, your kid's likely to turn out OK, regardless of your marital status? That's crazy talk!
I'll admit I'm biased -- not only did I become a single mom through donor insemination, but I interviewed nearly 50 others from all over the U.S. and wrote a book about the trend, a cross between memoir and reporting that's cheekily titled Knock Yourself Up. As a result, I have had the grim single-mom statistics hurled at me so many times that I posted a listing of the studies that are actually relevant to the single-mom-by-choice situation on my book website.
One of the most interesting studies I dug up, though it wasn't about single moms by choice, was a 2004 multi-ethnic study of almost 1,500 kids done by another Cornell psychology professor, Henry Ricciuti. The kids of educated, capable single moms didn't have problems in school, Ricciuti found, unless there was something besides single motherhood going on to cause them, and here's the kicker -- that was the case even when the family was living below the poverty line. Ricciuti stated that his findings suggest that when the mother is educated, has "positive child expectations," and access to social resources supportive of parenting, single motherhood in itself need not be a risk factor for academic or behavior problems.
Now, I think we can all agree that living in poverty is best avoided. But that study suggests that successful childrearing is not as simple as either money or a marriage license -- rather, it takes an educated, resourceful parent and a village that wants to see children succeed.
Meanwhile, in her Slate column slamming unwed motherhood (though not the careless men who knocked those mamas up), Yoffe quotes a statistic that says married couples who only have a high-school education are more than twice as likely to divorce than college-educated spouses. Hmmm. Education again. And divorce, that's not particularly good for kids, is it? Could the disaster for our nation's kids be more about lack of education and opportunity than it is about lack of marriage licenses?
Why are we pointing fingers at unwed moms (or "dumb whores," as Lauren at fauxrealtho.com jokingly says she prefers to call them, in her excellent response to Yoffe's column), not at the dads, and not at the failures of our education system and the lack of corporate, government and community support for parenting? Whether you're single or married, just try getting a good part-time job with health benefits so you can afford to spend more time raising your kid, or good full-time childcare that doesn't cost a fortune. Good luck! And here's a thought: support for parenting might actually help marriages survive the pressures of childrearing.
I do think our culture needs to change. But not in the direction of re-stigmatizing single motherhood, as Yoffe appears to suggest. Come on, does anyone really think it would be good to go back to the days when unwed moms were shunned, their children were called bastards, and to be deemed socially acceptable you were pretty much forced to get married and stay married, regardless of the psychological cost to you, your spouse and your kids?
To her credit, Yoffe is not saying that you should marry some jerk when he accidentally knocks you up. She says she's lived through the ravages of her parents' violent marriage and so is not surprised at a survey that found that "high conflict" marriages can be worse for kids than unwed parents. Simple common sense -- and a look around at the products of bad marriages -- tells any of us that that's true.
But if marriage can sometimes be terrible for kids, how exactly is stigmatizing single motherhood going to help them?
Here are a few things I think might actually help kids:
• A good public education system, universally accessible health care and other key resources for better parenting and stronger families, like part-time jobs, flex-time, telecommuting and affordable childcare.
• Comprehensive sex education and a culture that supports healthy, responsible sexuality, so that fewer women (and men) will allow themselves to be "swept away" into unprotected sex and unplanned pregnancies.
• A society in which "being a mom" isn't the only life dream a disadvantaged young woman feels she has a chance in hell of attaining.
• A society in which being a hands-on dad is valued and encouraged, and where men are seen as being just as capable of nurturing and taking responsibility for kids as women are, not as barely relevant (except for the paycheck) buffoons who can't figure out how to change a diaper or schedule a play date.
• A society in which it's considered perfectly OK for people -- even married couples! -- to remain childless, if they so desire.
• A culture that encourages people -- men and women -- to seriously consider the realities of childrearing and the needs of the child before skipping the birth control and welcoming that bundle of joy. There are, of course, many couples that do plan for the children they create. But there are so many people, single and married alike, who don't, and who find themselves in a situation that doesn't work for anyone -- not the parents and certainly not the kids.
In fact, I think it would be great if everyone considered the kinds of questions most of the single moms by choice I interviewed asked themselves, before embarking on parenthood. Key questions like: Do I actually want a kid? Can I handle a kid? What kind of life can I offer a child? Is this fair to the kid? What kind of support system do I have? How will I get through hard times? What will happen to the child if I die? Am I considering parenthood for selfish reasons? What about all those awful statistics? Why do I think my child won't be one of them?
I don't think the answers have to be perfect. But I do think the process of asking -- and coming up with the best answers you can -- makes a difference. In fact, in this, Yoffe and I agree: Instead of our current way of thinking which is too often all about what works for the adults, we should consider the needs of the children.
But as Yoffe herself seems to know from bitter experience, what's best for the children isn't always marriage. In fact, sometimes what's best for a child is for the parents not to get married, or, if they are married, to get divorced. There are great single moms and terrible married parents, and vice versa. I'd say, as a general rule, that sweeping generalizations about what constitutes an acceptable family are bad news for kids.
I've got nothing against marriage, mind you. If I had a partner, I'd want the license and the ring, both for the public pledge of commitment and for the legal rights and responsibilities that marriage brings. I believe two good parents are ideal. I think it's ideal for a child to grow up knowing both his mom and his dad. But more important than anything else, I think, is that a child is wanted, planned for, and born into a stable, loving family, whatever that family looks like.
Louise Sloan is the author of Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom.