Juiced But Not Jobless

The awful news that 651,000 more people became unemployed last month had a small silver lining: 655,000 jobs would've disappeared if it weren't for steroids. Yes, 4,000 non-baseball players stayed in the work force with the help of performance-enhancing drugs.

Steroids staved off firings in various professions. For instance, one of the 4,000 dodging a pink slip was a newspaper writer forced to produce so many stories that her prose wasn't very muscular. Then came the testosterone -- and, before you could say "Roger Clemens," Mary was writing like Samuel Clemens.

Then there was the auto worker who was about to get the ax because gas-guzzler sales had plummeted. After taking steroids, Joe became so bulked up that a would-be SUV buyer purchased Joe instead. Now he's employed as a motor vehicle comfortably seating a family of five.

Meanwhile, Bob was employed at an electronics store when it went bankrupt. All employees were shown the door, but Bob and his bulging biceps couldn't fit through that exit. So the steroid user remains in the store along with some LCD TVs so big they might be on steroids, too.

Then there was the bank teller who was days from being downsized until a timely steroid injection. Kate's work performance didn't improve much, but she looked so strong that the branch manager was scared to give her the boot.

Those are just a few steroid success stories. Sure, the 4,000 bloated workers jeopardized their health (as well as their chances of making the Wage Slave Hall of Fame). But they're "livin' large" with steady paychecks, and dreaming of the day when "A-Rod" might introduce them to Madonna.