In more than forty years of following politics, I am unable to remember a less satisfactory electoral contest than the one we've just had. I haven't met a single person who expressed excitement about the candidates, regardless of their party -- irrespective of whether the contests were local or statewide. Voters held their noses and voted for the lesser of evils. Mr. and Ms. Politician, if you're a winner please take note that it's because you stink less than your opponent. How's that feel?
For us voters, it feels lousy. As a group, you politicians dumped almost three billion dollars into an endless campaign season without educating or informing a single citizen. Along the way, you destroyed reputations and careers, and you cut deals with special interest groups thereby enslaving yourselves -- and the nation -- to the highest bidder. You have behaved shamelessly, without courage, and without uttering a single truth. If you lost, we are glad; if you won, we are sorry. Your election, regardless of party, is a scandal and tragedy.
To the losers: go away. To the winners, God have mercy on us, and with profound reluctance, we offer you a clean start. Perhaps you are not the self-aggrandizing sociopath we think you are. Therefore:
If you really believe that cutting taxes for billionaires will unleash an entrepreneurial spirit among investors with the happy result of thousands of living-wage jobs with healthcare, then we believe it too. Or, if you believe that raising taxes among these bad apples will reduce the Federal deficit sufficiently to balance the budget, afford us continued Social Security, and provide healthcare for all, then we believe it too. We await these astonishing results with anticipation. Finally, all God's children will have shoes!
If you really believe that continuing Don't Ask, Don't Tell will inspire our troops to victory, enhance their morale, and safe guard us against terrorist attacks, then we believe you. Or, if you believe that ending sexual preference discrimination will inspire our troops, enhance morale and safe guard us against terrorist attacks, then party on. We await our expected Victory in Afghanistan, the arrival of our troops back home momentarily, and a reduction in war expense of $100,000,000 a week. Thank heavens you have been elected!
If you really believe that ending regulation of energy producers like British Petroleum will assure American dominance in the Global Marketplace and unleash more of that terrific American entrepreneurial spirit, then go for it; we believe in you. Or, if you believe that more regulation will result in new and green technologies such as electric cars and solar powered everything, then bring it on. Yes, we believe in you: we'll be awash in strong dollars; we'll be dancing the cold fusion boogey.
If you believe in family values and will never have zipper trouble and will never be caught in a compromising position with a Dead Hooker or a Live Boy, we hold you in reverence. Or, if you believe that what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business and that the Constitution grants everyone the same rights, well, we're all for that. We know we'll never be held to a standard that you don't hold for yourself.
We are so grateful for your careful explanation of our problems, and why we have them. The heartfelt confidence in yourselves that you ceaselessly advertised during the campaign will surely translate into big changes and assure positive outcomes for We, the People. We're awfully and sincerely glad because, frankly, we've been getting tired of your circus, and we really need some bread.