I have always been something of a perfectionist and am starting to have a really hard time with motherhood. My little boy is 14 months old and I am losing my temper more and more because of the constant mess. I used to be able to keep my home tidy and organized but now everything is topsy turvy and I am anxious most all the time.
Despite all those yummy baby kisses and cozy snuggles, children push our ability to tolerate disorder to its absolute limits. Parenting is hard... and it's messy! Even those of us who aren't perfectionistic often struggle with the chaos.
Perfectionism can also be associated with control. Anxiety may set in when we feel out of control on the inside and are unable to establish order and routine on the outside.
Here are my thoughts:
• Be gentle with yourself. Moving into self-blame or criticism will only make things worse. When life is messy, acknowledge what you're experiencing without judgment. "Things are starting to feel overwhelming. I wish everything was neat and in its place. I miss the old days when the house was always nice and clean." Being kind isn't just something we need to do for others; it's for us, too.
• Learn calming practices. Three slow, conscious breaths may help when your sink is piled high with dishes or your son has thrown pasta across the floor. Or try belly-breathing: Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly, and simply focus on having the lower hand rise and fall, to settle and calm your breathing, and your mood.
• Understand the impact of visual chaos. Many people find it highly disturbing when their environment is cluttered. Get rid of extraneous stuff or store underused items in crates so that your environment is simpler and less visually stimulating.
• Take good care of yourself. When we're running on empty, little things bother us in bigger ways. If your nerves are constantly frayed, make sure you're eating well, properly hydrated, and getting adequate sleep... even if it means leaving the dishes in the sink.
• Look at what "perfect" means to you. Many of our reactions and behaviors are driven by beliefs we developed growing up. Did your parents get angry when things were out of place or when you weren't perfectly well-behaved? Or did they generate chaos with their own erratic behavior or instability? If you believe you developed perfectionistic tendencies in response to forces in your childhood, consider counseling.
Parenting can definitely bring to the forefront big feelings and unfinished business. Hopefully, these tips will steer you toward better understanding and accepting yourself, loosening the grip around trying to control the inevitable chaos that little ones create.
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
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