What's worse than the thought of two people in their 50s having sex? Joining a dating site of guys in their 50s wanting to have sex.
Why am I on an online dating site? I've been divorced for 3 years and haven't had a date in...three years. After my divorce, I pretty much became a hermit. Work, come home, watch movies, read, go to bed. After three years, that was getting tiresome, so I figured I'd put myself back out there and see what happens.
I'm 55 now, but I'm not new to online dating; I met one of my shittiest boyfriends on Match back in the 90s. I met my ex-husband on Zoosk. Previously, I tried Tinder and Our Time, for 50s and older. Our Time was really creepy, like Grindr for old straight guys in their 70s.
But I remain dysfunctionally hopeful all the same, so I signed up with Plenty of Fish. I'm in South Florida, and my matches are mostly guys who like fishing (ironically) and who don't own t-shirts with sleeves, it seems. Or they drive tractors. Or they post photographs of themselves on tractors.
I don't seem to be able to set age limits on who I'm looking for, so I'm getting matched up with mostly guys in their 50s or even their 60s and 70s. What do you say to a guy in his 50s without a car? Nothing seems to be the best bet.
I know I'm no Kim Kardashian. I'm 55, for god's sake. I have wrinkles and spider veins and cellulite. I hate working out, and the last sport I participated in was croquet, mainly because you could smoke and drink on the lawns. I'm still working off my BMF (Bad Marriage Fat) but i posted realistic photos, including a full body shot. And no, I didn't use any Beauty Face app photos, just realistic ones.
So my profile is pretty simple: I have four photos posted, and my profile title says, "Looking for someone special." My bio reads, "55-year-old redhead looking for someone special to enjoy activities and events. I love all kinds of music." Pretty generic and bland; I used to go into detail on dating site profiles but saying I love Vincent Price movies, gangsta rap and true crime novels weren't getting me the results I wanted, so I decided to go vanilla.
In a week, I've had 150 men view my profile. The youngest was 45, the oldest was 74. Of those, 19 have sent me messages. I don't know how to feel about that percentage at the moment. Of these 19, one lived in a trailer, one was already married, and one was writing to tell me he'd already found his soulmate but he had a friend who'd seen my photos and wanted to meet me. What the fuck?
The strangest message was from this 57-year-old heavyset guy who wrote me, "I would like to say when your 22 and beautiful That is a gift from god..but at 55 my oh my... Now that My Dear Goddess is a work of art.... And should be held and adored as priceless and rare....Enchanted."
Um, no thanks.
The other guy I seem to click with isn't looking for anything serious and is holding a fish in his profile photo. A recent guy who wants to meet me is called "Silver Tongue" and "wants a close friendship with a lady that likes to play." NO THANK YOU.
Maybe I'm being too picky. I'm not sure. But I know I don't want to go fishing or camping, I don't know how to line dance, and I don't want to date someone who looks like he could be my grandfather. I'm totally screwed.
To be continued...