'Sex With My Husband Has Been Bad Since My Four-Year-Old Was Born'

serious looking couple lying together in bed
serious looking couple lying together in bed

Reader Sexually Frustrated writes,

I have a question for you. Honestly because my husband reads every article you post and will take what you say seriously. We have been trying to get pregnant with our second child for about nine months now. It has become very evident that I have irregular cycles which make it super frustrating. Also to further the frustration in preparation for getting pregnant I've been taking prenatals, sticking to only one cup of coffee a day, and only drinking after I've had a negative pregnancy test and before I ovulate. In the last couple months we've been using ovulation tests to help make sure getting pregnant is actually possible and we aren't missing the best time if you know what I mean. Last month we had sex five days in a row which is extremely rare for us.

I guess my biggest problem is that when we do have sex I can never climax. Afterward we talk about what happened and what each of us could do better. Well he never listens. I try to do as much as possible like making sure I shave, wear matching underwear (his request) I have even sent him pictures in the middle of the day while we are both working. With all of that we either have bad sex or no sex at all. Sex hasn't actually been good since my four year old was born, if you want the truth.  This has been getting really frustrating and I'd love to hear what you'd have to say.

Dear SF,

Your husband sounds like a super intelligent and insightful guy who is totally awesome, so I definitely think the problem must be you.  Just kidding.  But I do appreciate his loyal reading! Anyway, there are about one million possible reasons for you not climaxing during sex.  Here's a sampling:
  1. You tell your husband what to do and he just doesn't believe that you know your own body like this narcissist.
  2. You and your husband aren't aware that 75 percent of women don't climax through intercourse alone so you don't engage in enough foreplay or alternate forms of stimulation (e.g., manual, oral).
  3. Your husband lays around like a passive blob before, during, and after sex and you just want him to get up and act in that dynamic, super sexy energetic way he acted before your kid was born.  In which case you should read that link and he should read this.
  4. You are stressed to the max what with your coffee limiting and ovulation measuring lifestyle, and so you can't relax enough to orgasm.  But then again you said this has been a problem for four years, so...
  5. You are stressed to the max with parenting your kid, working, and keeping a clean house so you can't relax enough to orgasm and your husband hasn't taken my stressed wives article enough to heart.
  6. Your husband doesn't want another baby and you do, and he can't say he doesn't, so his penis and poor sexual performance is saying it for him.
  7. You are putting too much pressure on him to make you orgasm, and you are not figuring out, via research (porn, erotica, masturbation), what exactly you can be doing to help him out here.
  8. You are not letting him into the inner recesses of your mind and sharing your fantasy life with him, thereby enabling him to understand what you want in a deeper way than "don't touch me there like that."
  9. He just has a lower sex drive than you so he's phoning it in and you can sense it.
  10. You're doing something he hates and he won't mention it because he doesn't want to upset you, but it is a turn off and impedes his performance.
  11. Your guys' logical and reasonable post-coital performance evaluations make his penis retract into his body out of shame that he is not up to snuff and is incapable of bringing his woman to orgasm and therefore he is avoiding the whole issue and one of these days is going to approach you with a turkey baster of his own semen on ovulation days because he just can't deal with having another encounter in which he is found to be inadequate.
Figuring out which of these issues is at play may involve a cringe-inducing discussion, but it sounds like you guys are used to that already from your sex debriefs.  Once you know what the deal is, you can figure out ways around it.  They might include more foreplay, both of you showering right before sex, you praising him more for anything he does less than horribly before you tell him what he's doing horribly, sharing fantasies or even living some together (not that one where another guy impregnates you), going in late to work or coming home at lunch every so often so you can have sex you're both not dead tired at night, giving massages first, watching porn or reading erotica together, getting a sister wife, getting a brother husband, whatever.

By the way, use those tips for your non-conception sex primarily.  Expect nothing from your conception sex. Honestly, this sex is only hot during like the first month and after that, both partners are stressed and frequently bored.  This is not a winning combination. If you expect this sex to suck, it may paradoxically improve due to the lack of pressure.

Incidentally, if anyone wants a play by play of exactly how to perform oral sex on a woman, and also wants to know all 18 (!) parts of the clitoris, check out She Comes First by Ian Kerner. You will never look at a vulva the same way again, in a positive way.

Keep me updated and keep on reading!  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Making a Baby Sounds Hotter Than It Is.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.