10 Tiebreakers The Supreme Court Should Use To Settle 4-4 Splits

Drinking games, outsourcing, and hand-to-hand combat.

Justice Antonin Scalia's death brings about a vacancy on the Supreme Court that has quickly become a point of contention. With a bench of only eight judges, four liberal and four conservative, the highest court is now faced with finding a tiebreaker that we can only hope produces more justice than the NFL's broken overtime system.

Scholars will argue that my following proposals are "frivolous" and "asinine." I might take such insults personally if I knew what those words meant.

Throw the book at each other
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It's about time the legal expression of "the judge threw the book at him/her" was turned into a literal game of competitive dodgeball using a hardcover copy of Kafka's The Trial.
Rock v. Paper v. Scissors
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Rock beats scissors. Scissors beats paper. Paper beats the Board of Education.
Channel Justice Scalia with a Ouija board personalized for his lexicon
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Unless you believe communication with the dead is jiggery pokery.
Freestyle Rap Battle
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Sick disses (dissenting opinions).
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
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The same selection process that decided the presidential election in 2000.
Gavel Fight
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Each Justice is equipped with a tiny, wooden version of Thor's Mjölnir. Let the battle begin.
Verizon Slam Dunk Contest
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Not Photoshopped.
Case Race
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A Supreme Court case is best decided with a Supreme Court case.
Send the case to Manitowoc County
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Whatever they rule, do the opposite.
Allow the president to appoint a ninth Justice
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It seems reasonable enough that we permit the elected president to fulfill his constitutional responsibilities.

Just kidding. GAVEL FIGHT!!!

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