"I love when a black cat is in the sun bc it’s like surprise bitch I have lowlights"
"It isn’t talking to yourself if there is a dog around"
“My kids didn’t drop any food on the floor during dinner, and I’ve never seen our dog look so sad.”
"accidentally called my cat the wrong name while sleep deprived/high and i feel like i just got caught on an episode of cheaters"
"I tell my cat 'I know' whenever he meows but I’ll be honest, I have no idea."
"Dogs are cool because they're like a little dude with 10 IQ points. Cats are cool because you feel as if you've brokered a contract with a minor demon."
“They were so brave," the "Last of Us" star said of his parents, who fled the brutal Pinochet regime in Chile.
He was floating over Montana because he loves the show "Yellowstone," the irritable balloon explained in an "MSNBC" interview on the cold open.
"I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl."
"You obviously don't respect yourself, so why should we?"