"What's upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we're best friends multiple times a day"
America "definitely has a split personality," Meyers said, but he's devised a way to dodge one of them.
"a vaccine but instead of fighting off disease it attracts dogs"
"Dad" poses for prom photos with his daughter and her date with a shotgun. "People are doing it. It's a thing, like 'Bang!'" explains Bennett in explosive sketch.
"i wanted to do my pole routine so bad this what i get," he tweeted afterward.
Chris Rock, the host for the season premiere, recalled in a cameo that Donald Trump vowed COVID-19 would disappear and then got it the week the comedian was on the show.
“I’m sick of them,” Jeannette Reyes of “Good Day DC” says in her viral video. “So, let’s have a little fun.”
"Dealing with the end of civilization by sitting on my couch endlessly exchanging loving slow-blinks with my cat."
"I can tell when my dog is about to s**t. Superpowers are real and I’m the newest Avenger."
"RT if you look at pictures of your dog while sitting next to your dog."
“Being a cat owner means that your first words on most days are ‘what the f**k are you doing.'"
“My dad’s two dogs expelled from dog daycare due to forming a ‘dog gang.’”
"Do you think my dog remembers the guy I was dating for the first few years I had him and if so, do you think my dog thinks I killed him?"
"My cat is better than any baby I’ve ever seen."
"If I don’t tell my cat he is handsome every time I see him then he might forget"
"I love my little cat i wish he could wear sweatpants or drive a car but it’s okay that he can’t. Like it’s fine"
“Have learned many powerful lessons from my cat, such as that you can get whatever you want if you are so f**king annoying.”
"Normalize talking to your cat like a human."
"i woof and bark at my dog when he’s woofing and barking at me and i just hope i’m not calling him any dog slurs by accident"
At least he "went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once," boasted "Biden."