The Bachelor Recapped by Someone Who Is Too Old to Be on the Bachelor

We open with my 5 year old sitting next to me watching the makeout scenes in the preview montage before I shoo her to bed. I read to her a half hour ago, so stop judging me.
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We open with my 5 year old sitting next to me watching the makeout scenes in the preview montage before I shoo her to bed. I read to her a half hour ago, so stop judging me. Chris reposes in a meadow filled with hot air balloons, as an apt metaphor for his.... God that's too easy, any way you slice it. A blonde thinks that Santa Fe is known for being tropical and that it's out of the country. Well, maybe she's just good at math and not geography. Chris wanders around and his voiceover indicates that he is Really Serious about finding The One on This Episode.

The ladies get drunk as per usual and giggle and cavort. Kelsie, who everyone hates, has a pissy expression when Carly gets the date card, which says something like "Let's come together" in a tasteful foreshadowing of what the preview montage promised would be their later, pre-Fantasy suite hookup. Chris unsmilingly says that Carly makes him smile. She gazes at him like no woman with children ever looks at her husband again.

Carly murders grammar like Son of Sam while the two walk through the hacienda. Then there is a yogi who helps them meditate and is called a "love guru." The love guru burns some sage and waves it around Carly. I hate when this show gets too stupid for me to make fun of. Now Carly blindfolds Chris and feeds him fruit and chocolate. I note his white shirt and bemoan that he will get it stained, because I am a mom and can never be a pre-mom again. I hope the producers have Stain Stick. Carly feeds Chris chocolate with her finger and I am not even remotely aroused. Does this indicate something worse about me or about Carly and Chris? Now they are going to "derobe." Maybe this will be exciting? Is anything exciting when you're live blogging reality TV while eating oatmeal?

Carly pretends to be anxious about taking her clothes off in front of Chris but we know she's picturing the other women in the house ripping their extensions out from envy. The guru is literally making them take all their clothes off. I think the next date should just be tantric sex, coached by a porn star. Now Carly is actually uncomfortable and Chris says she doesn't have to do it, because he's a Midwestern gentleman. Also because this whole thing is extraordinarily weird and awkward. Oh wow they are now doing breathing techniques that are part of tantric sex, at least from what I remember when I used to google "tantric sex" and not "hand foot and mouth disease in toddlers."

Cut to Kelsie bragging about how awesome her marriage was before her husband died. It's hard to be an unlikable young widow but she seems to be pulling it off. She is pretty smug. She says, "A one-on-one is imperative." Britt gets the one-on-one and says, "Fireworks are going off in my soul." Those were both actual quotes, which proves that my humorous commentary on this show is not even necessary.

Carly and Chris talk about their awkward love guru encounter and how they "got through it." The tone is similar to people who have survived a natural disaster. Carly now talks about her boyfriend who never wanted to touch her, and Chris thinks, "Holy S%&* this is going to be a layup." She talks about how insecure she is and how much she wants a man to desire her, and feels that if she was with a man who found her beautiful, her insecurity about her looks would instantly dissipate. I remember thinking things like that! God, mid-20's. Such an innocent time.

Chris says his insecurity is that girls won't want a farmer from Iowa. Good point, Chris. Chris is falling for Carly because she's a unicorn: a beautiful girl who doesn't think she's beautiful. I hope he picks her. She is super innocent and cute. Like me if I were innocent, 25 years old, blonde, and a cruise ship singer. So basically we're twins. Chris says Carly has everything he wants in a woman and would be the best wife a man could ask for, which foreshadows him dumping her heartlessly.

The women and Chris go rafting, because it's time for a sport date. Kelsie says she's "a flurry of mixed emotions." The girls are all wearing spandex capri workout leggings, which I own, so that's proof that I'm fashionable. Ashley, the Pseudo-Kardashian (PK) wears neon lipstick and false eyelashes to raft. Jade fell out of the boat, and she apparently goes into hypothermia easily, so Chris rubs her feet and the other women murder her with their eyes.

Whitney says, "Only one girl is going to be standing at the end," which reminds me of my idea of crossing The Bachelor with The Hunger Games. Oh wow, now Jordan who was eliminated in round 2, has driven from Colorado to see if she could beg him shamelessly to get back on the show. Chris says in his interview that he let her go because she was drinking too much and didn't take things seriously, but of course now he's going to take her back, because he takes everyone back. He sits down with her and she says that drinking sometimes gets the best of her, which is certainly not a good sign. But, what do you know, he takes her back, and the other women are angry, to put it mildly.

Now PK tells Chris she is unhappy Jordan is back. It never goes well when contestants complain about other contestants. But obviously PK is not moving to Iowa anyway because where would she buy false eyelashes in a one horse town? Well, from Walmart. But still. All the girls talk to Chris about Jordan. PK says "we should not be nice to her" because then she could take their spots. Because that's logical. Now Whitney doesn't like PK because PK is "being mean." Drama.

We find out that Britt hasn't showered in weeks. She still looks better than I do. Hey, maybe I should stop showering! Aww, she is scared of heights and the date card says "Sky's the limit." She is crying. I feel for her. I could never do one of those bungee jumping type dates. But that is what The Bachelor is all about now, bizarrely. Now we see Chris dumping Jordan because he doesn't want to annoy the other women. Now he gives Whitney the rose and PK is upset and says she is "mindboggled." Unfortunately, this seems to be her default state.

Chris sneaks into the women's bedroom and an orgy commences. Actually, he is here to wake up Britt at 4:30am. She is sleeping with full makeup on. He shushes Carly and Carly feels hurt because Carly always feels hurt. The girls say that Britt puts on makeup before she goes to bed "just in case." Well that indicates some sort of anxiety disorder. Or savviness. Oh now we see the hot air balloons that we saw earlier in the show. All of a sudden Britt's previously debilitating fear of heights disappears like makeup usually does when people sleep.

Now Britt is in Chris's suite jumping around like a nine year old, wearing nine year old type sneakers. The girls back in the house gossip about Britt saying she doesn't want kids. And then we cut to her in the suite saying she wants "a hundred" kids. Hmmm. We see Carly crying over how Chris shushed her before. And then cut to CHRIS SHUTTING THE DOOR OF HIS SUITE! Bam, they're having sex. Or something.

Britt returns the next morning and the women machete her and parade her corpse through the streets. Or they want to. She tells them that she took a nap with Chris and everyone is mad as hell. Kelsie sneaks out to confront Chris about sleeping with Britt, or to share her story about being an awesome, strong, and not self-centered widow. She shares the story with Chris. She cries. In her interview, she says her story is "amazing. Tragic but amazing." Is she an actual sociopath? Now they're making out, as people are wont to do after discussing dead spouses. Chris seems to want to get away from Kelsie, but she keeps kissing. She says to the camera, "This is my love story too. You get to see someone who has been through tragedy grow and turn into another person." I think maybe she's just (!) a huge narcissist? Totally creepy.

The cocktail party. Kelsie is super confident, which means she's going to get dumped. Whitney starts to sense that Kelsie had extra time with Chris. Uh oh. Whoa, Chris sells out Kelsie and tells everyone that he and Kelsie had an emotional conversation that hit home. Chris starts crying. WTF. Chris Harrison appears like a magical genie and consoles Chris. Kelsie uses the word "ensued" for no reason except that she's pretentious. Kelsie is having basically a narcissistic version of a psychotic break where she says she's definitely staying.

Oh now Kelsie takes it up a notch. She is having a panic attack, probably because she thought about what a fool she would look like if she got eliminated. And now the show is over! We didn't get to see who went home! Next time, Chris seems to offend all the women at once by doing something egregious like preferring one woman to another on a competitive dating show. Till next time, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Monday Nights Are The Best Nights of the Week.

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