Ok, this is going to be a tough read, heck I think it may be a tough write. What I am about to share with you has caused every single woman that has heard this from me to cringe. They become uncomfortable, anxious and have a variety of reactions.
They want me to;
- Retract it first
- try to talk away what I just said
- they ask me: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SON???? How would he feel?
If you are prepared to be uncomfortable please read on, if you don't like things that make you feel a bit anxious then this may not be the blog post for you.
So here goes....I NEVER WANTED TO BE A MOM. I never wanted children. I never dreamt about being a mom, about raising kids, about cuddling them, watching them grow, taking them to the park, expanding their minds, guiding the way. Never. Not once. When I would play with my friends as a young girl I never engaged in Mommy stuff...if anything I was the Daddy who went to work.
From the time I was a very young girl I was more interested in playing sports, being the best I could be in a sport, I thought about my future, what job I would have, where I would live. I always envisioned myself being followed by cameras, I would be rich, I would be interesting and people would love to have a glimpse into my life -- there were never children. Narcissistic? Maybe but it's the reality of me.
I am a mother. I have one son who is nearly 18. He is a fabulous young man and I love him to pieces. I have done a great job raising him; he is kind, polite, thoughtful and a very old soul.
The first thing anyone ever says to me is: 'how would your son feel knowing you didn't want him?'
Let's get this straight immediately. I did not NOT want him, I wanted NO CHILDREN. I chose to give birth to my son, to be his mother, to embark on this lifelong responsibility of parenting. I did struggle with the decision, I was married when I got pregnant and even at that time I entertained termination of the pregnancy (now you may despise me.) It was a harrowing decision. I left home very young (15), I never once had any guidance, heck I don't even remember help with homework or cuddles when ill, nothing that you would think moms should do for their children. I am not using this as an excuse, it's a fact. I had no confidence that I would be a better parent than mine were to me nor did I have a desire to have to lug a child around from place to place all the time -- for some reason that aspect really terrified me -- it was for forever.
You may be thinking what kind of a Mother or person shares this openly?
Well, I AM the kind of person that shares this openly. I am good, kind, compassionate soul that loves my son but simply never wanted to be a mother. Having my son never changed my core feelings but it changed me as a human. He made me be a better person, a kinder, gentler more loving person...a LESS SELFISH person. I still am selfish, I still am career-driven, and I still don't ever think I wish I had more children.
Do I ever think about what my life would be without my son? Absolutely not. It's like me thinking what my life would have been without physical abuse, or anger, or living on the streets -- I regret nothing I have chosen to do or anything that has occurred to me. It's my life; it's what made me who I am today which am a brave, strong, open soul. I can hear things that disturb me as I allow myself to view all things like a celestial body floating far above the occurrence, being able to see all the sides. When we are disturbed we see the sharp edges of things and never dive into the core for fear of continued pain and angst we feel upon viewing these edges. I choose to dive deep into all that disturbs me, I turn it over, and I caress it, I LOOK at it, I embrace it no matter how disturbing.
Last but not least and most importantly, my son. Of course he knows I never wanted children, we speak openly about my lack of cooking, the fact that I have a cleaning lady, that I have been ambitious and worked since he was nine months old and raised him alone. My son is a very old soul, he can and does question the conditioning of society and what we think is right and wrong. I taught him from a very young age to NOT feel he has to accept all of the standard views of life. Always ask why? What if? Challenge the norm. March to the beat of your own drum!
So yes, I have told him that I never wanted to be a mom, that children were not part of my plan. However I have also told him that he was an unexpected gift that I couldn't ever live without. He reassures me that I am 'motherly' by arguing with me when I say I am not a 'motherly' mother. He reminds me of the cuddles and the stories, the trips and teaching him to play soccer, ride a bike, holding him and taking care of him when he is sick and on and on.
Do I think I have done damage by being honest, no I do not. He has as much love as children whose parents life goal was children...maybe even more.
I think it's time that women embrace the fact that NOT wanting to have children does not make us unworthy, or less than whole. Your life is your own. Your decisions will affect your entire time here on this earth. Do what suits you, however, If you choose to bring a child into this world then your decisions have been made and your role is exponentially important. Love, guidance and a life-long journey through both good and bad will be yours and what you do with those decisions affects another human's future. Hold it close and be prepared for the ride of your life.
"Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation."
― Robert A. Heinlein