The Sudden Bachelor: The Ex- It's Complicated
I "dated" my ex for about 2 years after we legally separated. That actually meant we were together pretty much every night but had 2 separate houses. Here's what you need to know:
•Sometimes you have to just rip the band aid off. Why did I- or might you- fall back together with your ex after the trauma leading to separation? Reasons vary as much the people involved, mostly beginning with "L": loneliness, longing, lust, love. And a couple others- the kids, money... Not all these reasons are wrong, but it's good to remind yourself before going headlong backward into her or his arms again if that's an option, why it was the bond broke to begin with.
•Can humpty be put back together again? Probably not. I'm not armed with second marriage statistics. But in my case once we cut the cord and physically separated, there was a trust in our relationship that never came back however much we were together, we kind of danced around the big issues but the elephant eventually took over the room.
•The kids will get hurt either way when you separate. But worse if you come back together and separate again. See first bullet above- a slow rip of the band aid for the kids is not a good result. And if Neville-like you want to appease them by getting back together, there's a good chance you will hurt them worse when it doesn't work.
•Try hard not to let loneliness, lust or even love (that's right, sacrilege) be your guide. You don't have to be Jiminy Cricket, but you do not tend to make your best decisions under the influence of any of them. Even love is a strong drug to try and fight if you've had the wake-up call of separation; it blurs your vision at least as much as 4 Vodkas unless it's 'true love' which I will save for another missive. We make some awesomely bad decisions under the influence of any of the "4 L's" mentioned above, for example marrying the wrong person when we are just out of college when we know- basically- nothing of life and how and with whom we want to live it. Or crawling back into a relationship that has been broken for years because the phone didn't ring and the new apartment was plain depressing! This is one of those 'grit your teeth' moments, like being a first year associate at a law firm, or a resident doctor, or boot camp. Better things lie ahead but you have to get through the DTs and to do that, draw on every resource you can, friends, therapy, travel, random dating, anything and everything to avoid falling back into a relationship by default.
•Having said all that- there's no rule that you can't get back together after separation or even divorce. The good thing about decisions is they don't have to be irrevocable. But in this decision-making, based on my experience, I would say be skeptical and move slowly. If you needed to separate, those reasons probably didn't disappear, you will need to hit them head on or they will play out again. You will in other words need to be able to sit in a room with your ex and excavate the painful process that led to dissolution, and then see if you can reconstruct. Do not think time will heal this wound. It's 90% perspiration, 10% fornication, not vice versa, to put a broken marriage bond back together.
•If you are thinking about getting back together, do therapy! If you can afford anything above subsistence that is, even if it puts a serious dent in your budget. A second separation will not only dent your budget but more importantly your emotional reservoir as well. I was in relationship therapy with my ex for years, before we got married and after we separated. Maybe in my particular case the constant need for that should have signaled a basic incompatibility. My relationship therapy did not work out objectively, though all the warning signs were brought into bright relief had me or my ex been willing to really see them! If you have the right therapy experience it's either a way through problems, or it's relationship euthanasia if a particularly blunt therapist is willing to say, guys, you don't work! (Rare I know...). But professional help navigating these hazardous waters can be something of a life raft.
My jerrybuilt attempt at relationship resuscitation ended us further behind the 8-ball than where we started for various reasons, some very particular to our situation and some more general as mentioned above. What I'm asking everyone to do, if the option and temptation to reunite comes into play (which is, I would think, a small minority of cases in any event), is fight human nature and be willing to invest more work and more pain now for more gain and less pain later, whatever your decision is. In other words, be stronger and more logical than I was!